


Through The Dark

by Narry5Eva



Category: youtuber
Genre: F/M, M/M, jaspar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-20
Updated: 2015-10-14
Packaged: 2018-02-14 00:54:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 22,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2171778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Narry5Eva/pseuds/Narry5Eva
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Word Count: 1000</p><p>I updated for you guys who actually wanted to read this book.</p><p>Comment and tell me if you liked this chapter or if I had any spelling mistakes.</p><p>I won't be updating until next summer because school starts on September 2nd for me and I have to get good grade.</p><p>I love you guys</p><p>Narry5Eva_</p>
        </blockquote>





	1. Mixed Emotions

Joes POV

The scars that line up my thighs make me feel worthless and sick. Why did it have to be me, what did I do to him? I can still remember the day. From the sun shining bright to the moon glistening at night. My past has left me scared and quiet. No one know about the tragedy that left me like this. No one knows about the cuts and my depression. They don't notice my fake smile. You would think that my sister Zoella would know me but no she doesn't. She's too wrapped in her relationship with Alfie. Ever since the tragedy I've been alone. No one bothers to talk to me. I give the cold shoulder to everyone but my roommate. Caspar Lee.

I can go on and on about him. His pretty blue eyes. They shine so bright. His pink lips. They look so kissable. I love his laugh. I love his smile and his childish ways. I love his voice. It's so sexy. I love him.

The other day, me and Caspar recorded a video. One of the question was "what would we name our baby girl/boy?" He seemed really excited to answer that question. Emma Lee was what he wanted to call her.

I wish he liked me back but he is as straight as a ruler.

_He will never like you back_

I know that

_You're pathetic and worthless!_

Stop

_No you need a reality check._

_No one likes you._

_"_ Stop!!!" I screamed. No one was home so no one heard me.

_You're sick_

No I'm not

_Faggot, no one likes you_

That's not true

_No one wants you. Your dad hasn't called you to see if your okay. Zoe only cares about Alfie_

They do want me. Stop

My thoughts were getting the best of me. Since Im already in my room, I get up and walk into the bathroom. I find my razor hidden inside the cabinet. I pull my pants down, leaving me in my boxers. I sit down and make the first cut.

_First cut for being worthless_

_Second cut for being pathetic_

_Third cut for being unwanted_

_Fourth cut for being gay_

_Fifth cut for being in love with Caspar_

I was about to make my sixth cut when the bathroom door opened. Shit!!! I though I locked it. I heard a gasp. I looked up to see who it was. Caspar.

"J-Joe"

"Casp, what a-are you d-doing here? I though y-you weren't going to b-be back for another h-hour."

I am so scared. He can't know about my past. If he finds out, he'll leave me. I can't let him leave me.

"Zoe called me and said you weren't picking up your phone. I tried calling you but you didn't pick up so I came home. Why did you cut yourself Joe?" He helped me clean up my thighs, since they were covered with blood and angry cuts.

"Ummm"

"Joe please. Don't do this to yourself. Your hurting yourself and I hate that. You could've came to me, babe" He said while crying.

HE CALLED ME BABE. He doesn't like me so why'd he call me babe.

"I c-c-couldnt t-talk to you Caspy. You w-w-wouldn't understand w-what's going o-on."

"Baby, please. Don't do this. Talk to me please"

"I c-c-can't. Y-you'll leave m-me. I d-don't want y-you to leave"

"Joe, I'm not going to leave you. Please just tell me."

"I can't, I'm sorry. "

"Sss babe. It'll be okay. You can tell me when your ready."

He walked me to my room and helped me lay down. He was about to walk away but I grabbed his hand. "Stay". I moved over a little bit so Casp could lay down next to me. He laid down and I immediately cuddled into him. My eyes were closed but I hadn't fallen asleep yet. "I love you Joe" I heard Caspar whisper, before I fell asleep.

I was only asleep for a while though. I didn't have the nightmare that I have all the time. It was all because of the beautiful boy next to me. He made me happy.

Caspars POV

Zoe just called me telling me that Joe wasn't picking up his phone. I tried calling him but he didn't pick up. So I got all my stuff together and went back to my house. I was with Alfie and Marcus and we went out to eat. I asked Joe if he wanted to come with me but he said no. It was unusual because he normally always said yes.

I walked into our apartment. First I looked for Joe downstairs in his room. Then I went to my room. I noticed that the bathroom door was open because you could see a crack through it. I opened the door and I saw Joe sitting on the floor with blood all over his thighs. He looked scared. I walked over to him and asked him why. He changed the topic. After our little conversation, I took him to his room and helped him lay down. When I was turning around to leave, Joe grabbed my arm and told me to stay. He looked so vulnerable. I wanted to protect him.

A few minutes later, when he fell asleep , I whispered "I love you".

Joe doesn't know this, but I actually love him so much. It hurt me to see him so sad and vulnerable. When I saw the cuts lined up on his thighs, tears started streaming down my face. The boy I love was going through a hard time but I was never there for him. It made me sad that he didn't trust me enough to tell me what was going on. But when I saw his thighs all bloody, I knew I had to save him. Maybe along the way, he would fall in love with me just like I did when I was down in the dumps and he saved me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count: 1000
> 
> I updated for you guys who actually wanted to read this book.
> 
> Comment and tell me if you liked this chapter or if I had any spelling mistakes.
> 
> I won't be updating until next summer because school starts on September 2nd for me and I have to get good grade.
> 
> I love you guys
> 
> Narry5Eva_


	2. Hate

Joes POV

I cant believed Caspar found out about me cutting. He wasnt supposed to find out like this. He wasnt supposed to know at all. I cant even cut now just because he knows my dark secret. He cant tell my sister or she'll probably make me go rehab. I dont need that. Ive already been through enough that even the thought of not having someone by my side scares me. No one can know about what happened on that cold day in that alley. Its not like they care. They cant know about the horrible tragedy that happened a year ago. I cant tell anyone because I cant live through it again. 

The looks Caspy's been giving me for the past 2 hours is really starting to scare me. Hes wont say anything. He has tears in his eyes. I wonder why. If its because of me then I shouldn't be. I'm not worthy of him or anyone. 

“Caspy." I whisper

He still didn't say anything. He just looked at me with tears streaming down his face. 

“Caspy. Please talk to me" I beg

“Joe, why'd you do it?”

“I cant tell you”

“Why not?”

“I cant Caspy. I cant relive that tragic moment. It haunts me everyday. I cant go to sleep because that moment replays in my mind like a horror movie." Hot tears are rushing out of my eyes. Caspar holds me tightly, trying to calm me down.

"Baby.I'm here for you always. I wont let anything happen to you, Joe." 

There he goes again. Calling me cute names. I really wished he liked me back.

"Why are you still living with me, Casp? Im nothing but a fuck up"

"Joe, you're not a fuck up. Im still living with you because your my best friend and I wouldn't have it any other way."

"I love you."

"I love you too, Jojo." Then Cas mumbled something along the lines of  "If only you knew how much"

What was that supposed to mean? I do know how much he loves me. Its friendly love. 

 "Promise me something, Casp"

"What?

"You wont tell anyone about this. Especially not Zoe"

"Joe. You have to at least tell Zoe."

"I cant. Promise me you wont. Please Cas?"

"Only if you stop cutting"

"I c-cant promise that, C-caspar."

"Why not?

"Its my only escape from the world. It calms me down. It gets rid of the pain. It gets rid of the harsh reminders."

"Okay, baby. I promise I wont tell anyone. Just tell me, when you feel like cutting. Ill help you through. I dont like seeing you like this. It hurts me when your sad."

"I will come to you."

That was the end of our conversation. I wanted to tell him about my problems. I wanted to get them off my chest. I just dont know how to tell him without totally breaking down. I dont want him to think that I'm a weakling. I want him to know how much I love him. How much I want him. How much I need him by my side. I want him to know how much he really means to me. I just wish that it was easy. 

***Later that day***

I was just scrolling through the comments on my new video which is the "Bad Signal Prank" I played on Louise, Oli, and Zoe. I sound happy in the video but really im not. Its something you have to put yourself through when you have depression. All of the comments were nice but the ones that stuck out were the hate comments. I often do this. Skim through the comments until I find the hate. 

I just broke down. It all just gets too much. A person can only go so long without breaking down. I dont know when I became like this. When the hate started getting to me. Before, I would ignore it. Ever since the incident, I havent been the same. I eat less, I cut more, I sleep less. I just want to stop breathing all in all. I dont want to remember those horrible times. I just want to end it all. No one would care. Caspar wouldnt either even though he makes it seem like he does. 

I know I promised Caspar that I would go to him but I dont want to live anymore. I want to die. It seems easier just to swallow a dozen pills. Everyone would be happy anyeays. Im just holding them back from bieng happy.

**(Dont read this part if you get triggered by the thought of cutting.)**

I went to my bathroom and make sure I locked it this time. I take my pants off and see the scars lined up and some crossing each other diagonally. I just realized that my blade is in Caspar's bathroom. Fuck. If he sees me with it, he's gonna find out what im doing. I slowly walk to Casp's bathroom and walk it and grab my blade. I put it in my pocket. caspar gave me a weird look from his room but I ignored it and just went back to my bathroom. I took the pills with me, making sure I hid them from Caspar. I took the pills first and then I made deep cuts on my wrist. I layed down on the floor just before I started seeing black spots. Next thing I hear is Caspar yelling my name and I see Caspars figure before completely blacking out.

**(You can read now if you didnt read that paragraph)**

Caspar's POV

I called Joe but he didnt answer so I went to his room and didnt find him in there. The bathroom door was open but what I saw had left me in tears. My love had tried to commit suicide. I pull out my iPhone and call 999. I rush inside and get a clothe and press it to Joe's cuts. The blood wouldnt stop so I apply more pressure. 

"Hello, what is your emergency?"

"My friend tried to commit suicide. Please help." 

"We will be right there."

A few minutes later the ambulance pulled up and they took Joe with them. I ask if I could ride with them but they said only family could. I told them a little white lie. That I was his boyfriend. They let me in. When we arrive at the hospital, Joe is taken into the emergency room. I couldnt stop the tears that were flowing down my face. I call Zoe so I could tell her the news. Her dad was with her.

"Z-zoe"

"Whats wrong Caspar?"

"J-Joe...hospital."

"What happened to Joe, Casp? Why is he in the hospital?" Zoe panicked 

"H-he t-tried t- k-k-kill h-himself" I stuttered out.

"oh my god. My baby brother. Im coming right now. What hospital is it?"

"london bridge hospital."

"Im coming on the next train with my mum and dad. Stay with Joe."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If any of you cut, just know that Im here for you if you want to talk. I used to cut but im okay now. Seriously, dont let anyones opinion get to you because at the end of the day, its just an opinion.


	3. Coma

Caspars POV

Why'd he have to do it. Its not right. I cant live without him. I dont want him to die. I want to tell him that I love him. I want to hold him close at night while we sleep. I want to be the one to make him smile. I want ot show him how much I love him. Make him happy when hes having a bad day. I just want him.

The doctor still hasnt come out. Zoe hasnt arrived. Joe isn't the best right now. I dont feel so good. I feel like hiding from everything because the thought of losing my one and only love terrifies me. Not waking up to his beautiful self scares me. When I saw Joe, lying on the floor with blood covering his arms, it petrified me. How could I have not noticed from the start. I would've been able to stop him. I would've been able to save me best friend. If he dies, it will be my fault. I should've noticed that there was something wrong. I should've noticed him hurting. I should've been there for him.

"Is he ok,doctor?"

"My name is Dr.Edward . Im gonna be Joe's doctor for the time he's here . As far as Joe's condition, he's perfectly fine now. He had swallowed a ton of pills and cut way too deep but we stitched up his cuts to stop the bleeding. We pumped his stomach so he's better now. We also found alot of scars on his fore arms and thighs. Do you know what caused him to do this to himself?"

"Im Joe's friend, Caspar. He was having flashbacks from the terrible things that happened to him in the past. At least, that's what he told me. I didn't know that he had cut before."

"That's okay. He's in a coma at the moment. It could be days, weeks or even months before he wakes up. His room number is 230. You can go see him but please, inform his family as soon as possible."

"I have. They will be here soon."

Zoes POV

I cant believe it. My brother tried to commit suicide. He always seemed so happy but what would I know. I haven't talk to him in almost a year. He didnt bother calling me or anything. I wonder how long this has been going on for. I know its not Caspar's fault but he thinks it is. He couldnt have known. He couldn't have done anything to prevent it.

I was with Alfie when I got the call from Caspar. At first, I thought he was just calling to tell me why Joe wasnt answering. When Cas told me about Joe commiting suicide, I was so shocked. When I ended the call, I told Alfie what had happened. He was shocked and sad at the same time. He stayed strong for me though. He called my mum and dad and told them about the incident. My parents told me that they would get on the train and meet me at the hospital. Alfie wanted to go with me but he had to go to book signing in London before he could see Joe.

I had called Marcus, Niomi, Jim and Tanya to tell them about the incident. Since they were together at the moment, I only had to call Niomi . She had the phone on speaker. I heard Tanya crying and Jim trying to comfort her but by the sound of his voice, it seemed like he was breaking down.

Now Im on the train to London. Im just really worried about Joe. He wasnt like this before. He didnt let anything get to him. He was carefree and nothing could get in his way. I guess, he changed but for the worst. I guess, all those time he pushed us away, He had a reason. A reason to hate us. A reason to not talk to us. A reason to slowly slip away from us but he held Caspar close. It was as if he was scared of losing Caspar. If Caspar dissapeared, he wouldnt be able to function. I know Joe is gay. He came out when he was 15 but he hasnt come out to his friends or subscribers. He never did tell me anything once he turned 16. He stopped talking to everyone for like a year but then he went back to his happy cheery self. I think he's going back to that time. He wont talk to anyone about it. I guess he told Caspar though. I guess the only person he needs now is Casp. Ever since they moved in together, they have been inseperable. You never see one without the other.

I arrive at the train station and get off. I catch a taxi and tell the man the name of the hospital. Im overwhelmed right now. Once we get to the hospital, I pay the man and run into the hospital. I ran straight into Caspar.

"Z-z-zoe"

"Hows Joe, Casp?"

"H-h-hes good. H-h-he's in a c-c-coma"

"Can you take me to his room?"

"Yeah"

He leads me to Joe's room. Just bieng here makes me sick. Caspar lets me go into the room by myself and he turns to leave. Once he leaves, I take a seat next to Joe and tears start forming in my eyes. I see the cuts stiched up. He is connected to a bunch of wires. The sight makes me stick to the core of my stomach, so I get up and kiss my brothers cheek before leaving the room. I see our parents at the reception center. I walk over to them and give them a quick hug but I see my mum crying. It really breaks my heart to know that something like this could happen to Joe. I tell them that Joe is in a come for god knows how long. I've never seen them this upset and broken. I cant bear seeing my brother laying there so lifeless and pale so I tell my parents that I have to go.

I just want my brother to get better and be happy again. I know the only person who can bring that smile to my brothers face is Caspar. I hope they can be together and I hope that Caspar at least likes Joe as more than a friend. They both could use someone in their life that makes them happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise update. I wasn't gonna update until next week but I finished the chapter today so I'm updating earlier. 
> 
> Narry5Eva_!


	4. Wake Up, Wake Up

Caspars POV

Its been 2 weeks and Joe still hasnt woken up. What if I lose him? I cant live without him. I am truly madly deeply foolishly completely in love with him. I cant bare lose him. He is the sun after a rainy day. He is the light after a dark night. He is my other half. He might not love me like I love him, but I need him. I need my best friend by my side. If he doesnt wake up, then I may just as well end up next to him.

_Without you i'll never make it out alive_

I wonder what caused Joe to break down. He said, he would talk to me. I wasnt there for him. I wasnt there to save him before he fell deep. I wasnt there to hold him tight and to stop him from cutting his beautiful body. I wasnt there to stop the hate. I wasnt there when he became drepressed. I was there physically but not for him. He never came to me because I didnt notice that my best friend was hurting.

The silent beat could still be heard through the heart monitor. As long as I could hear his heart beat, I was happy knowing that he was still alive. It made me feel better. I'm not ready to let go of him.

"Joe, baby. Please wake up. You mean the world to me and I just cant lose you. I wouldnt be able to live knowing that I wasn't there to stop you from slipping into this deep depression that destroyed you. I dont know what caused you to commit suicide. I wish you would've let me help you. I wish you would've told me. I wouldn't have left you for the world. You're my whole world, babe. I love you so much, Jojo. Please wake up, sunshine. I love you"

I placed a kiss on his lips. This was probably the last and only time I would be able to kiss him.

Marcus' POV

Me, Jim, Tanya, and Naomi were standing outside Joe's room. I had just opened the door, when I heard Caspar. It sounded somewhat like a love declaration. I opened the door a bit more so I could peak in. What I saw was unbelievable. I gasped and let the others look.

Caspar kissed Joe. I always knew he had feelings for the older boy because whenever he talked about Joe, his eyes would light up. He would talk of him so fondly. He smiled more around Joe.

We barely saw Joe. He would never talk to any of us unless it was Caspar. Casp was his outlet. He never seemed happy with us. Always lost in his own world. He looked at us as if we were to hurt him. His eyes never did show any emotions. He was skinny but now he was just bones and skin. His normal happy self was replaced with a frightened gloomy Joe. It should've never got to this point. I know Cas blames himself but we all know it's not his fault.

I knock on the door before quietly walking in with Nims, Jim and Tan. At the sight of Joe hooked up to what seemed like a thousand machine, Tanya and Nims lost it. They shed so much tears, His face was pale and his arms. They were filled with bright red cuts.

Caspar was sitting next to Joe and sobbing. He was the worst out of all of us. He tried to stop crying but just one look at Joe, he would start again. I don't blame him. He basically loves him. Moments later, he got up and walked with bloodshot eyes rimmed with red. He looked like he hadn't got any sleep.

************************************

Caspar's POV

Why wont he just wake up already? What if he never wakes up?

I go back to the hospital after my quick shower. When I reach Joe's room, I hear voices from inside. A voice that I recognized. A voice that I love very much. A voice that I want to hear for the rest of my life. Joe.

I opened the door quickly and almost ran to Joe's side. 

"Joe"

"Caspar" He whispered. 

I leaned down and gave him a hug but before I could back off, I kissed him on his cheek. 

"I love you so much, Babe" I whispered into his ear. He turned about 50 shades of red. God, This boy will be the death of me. He is just so gorgeous. 

Thats when the doctor came in.

"Hi Joe, Im Dr. Edward. You've been in a come for the past 2 weeks after you tried to commit suicide. We found a large collection of cuts on your fore arms and thighs. You also weight less then you should. You are anorexic.  Once you are released, You have to go to the depression therapist. I will write down the address and give it to you before you are discharged. Also, one of you guys need to make sure he's never alone. I dont want him to have triggering thoughts again. I prefer Caspar stay with you. He hasnt left you since you came here." She said. "We are going to do a couple of tests and then you are free to go home. Caspar, can I speak to you outside?"

Everyone was either staring at the wall or crying. Im just happy that Joe's alive.

"uh yeah. I'll be right back, Jojo" I said before giving him yet another kiss on the cheek before leaving.

"Caspar, make sure Joe never does this again. I know that just by looking at the way he looks at you, that you make him happy."

"I-i-i will"

I went back inside to see everyone was trying to jet Joe to open up. I could tell that he felt really uncomfortable. He was on the verge of crying,

"Guys, leave him alone. He'll tell you when he's ready."

"Caspar, you know what was going on. Why didnt you tell me at least?"

"Thats because I only found out 2 days before he attempted to commit suicide. I promised him that I wouldnt."

"You should've just told us."

"Im fucking sorry for not trying to lose his trust."

"Who cares about trust? You should've told us"

"Im fucking sorry that he happens to trust me more to at least tell me."


	5. Love and Promises

Joe's POV

"I'm sorry that he trusts me more with his secrets"

"Guys, please stop" I said. I could tell that Caspar was getting mad at Zoë. He had every reason to. "I told him not to tell anyone. Now if you wanna start fighting, then you can leave"

"He could've told me, your sister, at least. "

"Zoë, just drop it already" Alfie cuts in.

I just now noticed that Cas wasn't in the room anymore. When did he leave?

"Where's Casp?"

"I didn't even know he left."

"C-c-can y-you go f-f-find him, p-p-please?"

"What's wrong Joe?" Tan asked

"I n-need Caspar"

"Jim and I will go look for him" Marcus says.

I was about to start crying because all I wanted right next to me was Caspar, but the doctor rushed everyone out, so he could give me a checkup.

I dont know why but without Caspar, I just dont feel a 100% like myself. It was like a part of me missing. My crush on his was getting worse, but all I wanted right now was Caspar. He knew how to calm me down. He was my rock through everything.

After my checkup, the doctor said that I would be released later today. I had cut too deep which caused me too lose a lot of blood. I have to go to therapy once every week. I also decided that I would make a video about what had happened and why I didn't upload any videos to my main channel. I guess I had been so caught up in my problems that I forgot about everything. You can't blame me.

Caspars POV

I am so happy that Joe finally woke up. I just left to clear my head because Zoë was making me mad. Seriously it's not my fault that Jojo trusts me more. I wasn't going to just betray him. I told him that I'm here for him but he chose to kill himself. I need to tell him how I feel about him. I want to make sure that he never does something like this again. It pains me to see him sad.

"Oi, Caspar!" I hear Jim call out

"Ugh, what do you want?"

"Joe wants you, he's freaking out because you left him." Alfie amswered.

"Ok let's go. I just needed to get away from Zoë. How the fuck was I supposed to tell her? 'Oh hey Zoë. Yeah your brother is depressed and wants to kill himself,' "

I was so mad right now. I didn't want to face Joe like this but he needs me. I put on a smile before walking into his room. I love him so much and he is my sunshine. I know I'm not making sense because my brain is all jumbled up.

"C-casp?"

"Joe. I'm sorry I left babe. I had to clear my head"

"I-it's ok"

"Are you ok, love? Do you need anything?"

"No I'm good."

"Why did you need to see me babe?"

"I-I th-thought y-you l-left m-me"

"I would never leave you Jojo"

"P-promise?"

"I promise to never leave you. I promise that ill be with you until you get tired of having me around. Even then I won't leave you, Jojo. I love you a lot. It hurt to see you sad and broken. I wish you had told me what happened. I'm so fucking happy that you didn't succeed in attempting suicide. "

"Why are you happy that I'm alive? Everyone hates me. Even my subscribers. Nobody cares. I don't have anyone who loves me."

"We love you Jo. We do care babe. Your haters shouldn't matter to you. I'm here for you."

"You know why I'm happy that you're still alive? It's because I'm FÜÇKÏŃG in love with you."

"Y-your in l-love with me?"

"Yes I am Joseph. I love you so much. When I saw your lifeless body that day, I thought my world was slowly dying because you were almost dead. You're my world Joe Sugg. Without you, I would be really fucking depressed. Hell, I would've killed myself if you died just to be with you. I want to hold you when your upset. I want to cuddle you when your cold. I want to kiss you and make you happy."

"I-I l-love y-you t-too"

"Just save it Joe. I don't need pity"

"It's not pity, Caspar. I love you. I truly do. Why do you think I told you about my depression? Why do you think you were the first person I wanted to see? If I didn't feel this way about you, then would I do this?"

"Do wh..." I was interrupted with Joe's lips on mine. He pulled me closer to his body. My lips slowly started moving against his. Within seconds, the kiss got really heated. There was tongue and lip sucking. Our hands were all over each other. There wasn't any fireworks. It was just pure love flowing through our veins. Our lips moved to the rhythm of a soft song. It was the perfect kiss and I got to experience it with my Joe.

"I love you" he said after each breath he took.

"I love you too baby. So much"

 


	6. Good Enough

Joe's POV

It's been a week since me and Caspar confessed our love for each other. It's been exactly 4 days since I've been released from the hospital. Everyone is still worried about me. They don't know why I attempted to kill myself. I don't think they will ever understand. I'm still not ready to tell anyone. I know I should at least tell Caspar, but my past is so haunting that I can't bring my self to tell anyone. I'm supposed to go to my first therapy session today. I have to eventually open up to my therapist. Tell her why about my taunting past and the amount of hatred I felt towards myself.

I still get the urges to cut but I try to resist them for Caspar. Sometimes I do cut but only when Caspar's not at home to watch my every move. I don't let him look at my arm and thighs. I don't like seeing him sad because of a pathetic being like me. I still don't understand how he can be in love with me.

Caspar's beautiful, hot, cute, nice and the right size. All I am is ugly, fat and worthless. That's what the guy in my past led me to believe. Sometimes, I feel like Caspar is just saying these things because of pity. He could have anyone he wants but he chose me. What if he just gets up and leaves me one day? What if I wake up one day to find a note saying that everything was out of pity? I wouldn't be able to control myself and commit again.

"Baby?" Caspar interrupts my thoughts.

"Yeah Casp"

"Are you ok love? Please don't lie to me."

"I'm fine." I said not being able to look into his eyes.

"Babe, tell me what's wrong." He says as he puts his hands on my face and lifts it up, making me look into his gorgeous eyes. All I could see was pure love.

"It's just.... What if one day you decide that I'm not good enough for you and that you want someone better. Someone who's not a ugly, depressed, self-hating freak like me." I reveal when silent tears start rolling down my face. Caspar uses his thumb to wipe away the salty tears.

"Babe. I would never do that to you. You are more than good enough. You're not a ugly freak. You are so so beautiful. I wish you would see that. There's no one better than you. I only want you, Jojo. " He kisses away the tears that are still rolling down my face.   
"Why are you thinking like this baby? I love you so so much"

"You can have anyone you want, Casp. Why did you choose me?"

"I choose you because you are everything I want and need, babe. You are so beautiful, and perfect. How can someone not love you? You are so amazing. I love your eyes. Especially when the crinkle when you laugh. I love your flaws. I love your very kissable lips. I love you so fucking much. I love how your eyes shine brightly when you get really happy. I miss that. I miss your smile. You never see or feel it because you are trying to make yourself believe that I don't love you."

"I love you"

He pressed his lips to mine. We moved our lips against the other. There was no tongue. It was a very passionate kiss. It was full of love. He pulled me into his lap making me straddle him. The kiss was getting very heated. Caspar swipes his tongue across my bottom lip. I open up a little an his tongue invades my mouth. It was the best feeling ever. I love him so fucking much.

"I love you so much baby. Please don't ever try to hurt yourself again. I'll always be here for you. Promise me you will come to me for help. Please baby. I can't lose you again."

"I promise Caspar"

Caspars POV

I can't believe he thinks that I'll leave him. Did I do something to make him feel this way or is it the monsters telling him this. My baby. I wish I knew what was bothering him so much.

He snuggles into me. His arms holding me at the waist and his head on my chest. His sleeves pull up a little showing a patch of bright red skin. I know he's done it again. Joe is about to pull his sleeve down but I get to his wrist first. He looks up at me with fear in his eyes.

I bring his wrist to my lips. After pulling up his sleeve, I kiss each and every one of his cuts.

"Don't do this to yourself again baby."

I grab his other wrist and bring it closer to my mouth. "I" kiss. "Love" kiss. "You" kiss.

I look at Joe and see the tears rolling down him face.

"Don't cry baby."

I flip us over so I'm hovering over him. I pull up his shirt a little bit to see his scars and fresh cuts. I lean down and start kissing them. I don't go lower the then his hip, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. Once I kiss every one of his cuts, I go back up to his lips and give a sweet kiss.

" I love you so much Joseph Sugg"

"I love you too Caspy"

"Babe. I know this is not the best way to ask someone but I really love you. I want to be with you forever. I want to wake you up with kisses and take care of you. I know we haven't even went on a date yet, but once you are all better, I promise I'll take you on a proper date. Will you be my boyfriend, babe?"

He looks up at me and I can see his eyes getting a little bit of their shine back. He slams his lips to mine. We kiss for a while before he pulls back and gives me a really smile.

"Yes, Caspy. I will be your boyfriend"


	7. Therapy

Joe's POV

OMG   
OMG  
OMG

Caspar asked me to be his boyfriend!!!!! Oh my god. I can't believe it. He loves me like I love him. I love how he tried to make me feel better by kissing my cuts and scars. I love how he was telling me that I'm perfect. But I still don't believe him.

Me and Caspar are cuddling on his bed. We spent the first couple of minutes making out after I said "yes". Let me just tell you, the kiss was so freakin hot. We were both slightly hard after our little snogfest. His tongue does wonders you know. The way he was exploring my mouth with his tongue had me seeing stars. The way he sucked on my bottom lips and bit on it before he pulled away. The way he started moving his lips towards my neck and started sucking and biting had me moaning and groaning. Our lips meeting once again as I was still under him. My arms around his necks and his hands on my waist. He could kiss me all day. Hell, he could have his way with me and I wouldn't mind.

God I'm so in love with Caspy. He makes me feel so happy. He makes me feel perfect. Caspar is just so amazing. All he had to do was call me babe and I fell for him. He is just so perfect. God I sound like an obsessed teenager.

Anyways, I have to go to my therapist today for my first session. I'll try to open up to her but I don't want her to give me fake sympathy. I've been getting looks of pity from Zoë and my youtube friends. Well my other friends didn't know what had happened. I hate when people look at me like I'm something fragile. I'm not gonna break if they touch, for fucks sake.

"Baby?"

"Yeah Caspy"

"When do you have to go to your therapist?"

"My appointment is at 3 pm"

"Well it is 2 pm right now so why don't you go get ready?"

"C-can you come with m-me?"

"Anything for you, love"

I get up from my spot on the bed and walk to the attached bathroom. After I set the shower to the right temperature, I walked back into my room and took a tshirt and some skinny jeans. I went back into the bathroom and I took off my clothes, or well my pants since my lovely boyfriend had taken my shirt off. I stood in front of the mirror starting at my arms and hips. My arms and hips were littered with bright red cuts. The first set of tears rolled down my face. The cuts started to get itchy. I scraped my nails against my cuts several times, opening them up. It hurt so much. So damn much. I knew I had to stop before someone saw me so I stepped into the shower. I just stood there for about 5 minutes before I actually did any washing up. My arms were a bright shade of red from all the scratching.

After I dried myself, I put on my boxers and then the rest of my clothes. I walked back into my room and sat down on my bed next to Caspar. He gave me a small smile before going back to his phone. I looked at the clock and noticed that I was in the shower for 30 minutes. I decide to put on my shoes and my jacket and I grabbed my phone and wallet.

"Caspar?"

"Yeah love"

"Let's go"

Caspar got up from his spot on my bed and grabbed his phone and wallet as well. He grabbed my hand before walking up the stairs and put the door. We get into the cab that Caspar had called over.

After our 10 minutes journey, we are at the therapist. I didn't have to wait that long considering the fact that there was only 1 other person before me. My therapist called me in after 10 minutes.

"Hello. My name is Dr. Phan. I will be your therapist. "

After our little introduction the therapist asked me questions that were really personal. I know she is trying to help me but it hurts. The session ended after 30 minutes since it was my first time. We just talked about how everything is going right now and set up an appointment for next week.

"Babe? Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah"

Once again, he grabbed my hand and took the cab back home. Whilst in the cab, Caspar kept on checking his phone and texting someone. Maybe it was just his friend. When we finally got home, I rushed out and into the apartment. Caspar was right behind me so he closed the door after himself. I was about to go sit down on the couch when I felt Caspars arms around my waist and his lips on my neck.

"Dan and Phil are going to come over. They just want to see how you are after the accident and in general."

"Yeah I haven't seen them in ages."

"Louise and Zalfie are coming too. Janya and Narcus wanted to come but something came up."

"That's ok. They don't have to come and see me out of pity."

"Jojo, babe, that's not true." I turn around in his arm and put my arms around his neck. I really don't like being short. He leaned down and gave me a quick peck but I wanted more. I got on my tippy toes and kissed him. It was just a passionate kiss. There was no tongue or lip sucking.

"I love you so much" He whispers.

"I-I love you too"


	8. Dan and Phil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a filler chapter so it will shorter than usual.
> 
> Word Count :666

Caspars POV 

I'm so happy that Joe likes me back. I don't like the fact that whenever he cuts, he ignores me. I know he's cutting and I always catch him before he can press that blade to his wrist or thighs.   
He always looks so sad when I catch him in the act. Always thinks that I will end up leaving him. That's not true.

_Flashback_

_I had just walked in on Joe about to cut his wrists for the 2nd time today. He not only looked surprised to see me but also like a lost puppy._

_"Jojo. Baby why?"_

_"Y-y-you a-a-are g-g-going to l-leave m-m-me"_

_"Baby. I'm not going to leave you. Stop thinking that I will. I'm in love with you"_

_"But w-what I-I-if you f-find someone w-who's be-better than m-me?"_

_"I won't Joe. Not even the gods above can separate the two of us"_

_Flashback over_

Anyways Dan and Phil are going to come over today. It was weird that Dan called Joe. Him and Phil always hang out with PJ and Chris. If you didn't already know, im the biggest phan shipper ever. I just ship Jaspar more.

Joe was siting sideways in my lap with his head in the crook of my neck. We were just watching tv with me holding Jojo. He is so cute and all mine. I love him.

***few hours later***

After we watched tv, I made Joe take a nap because he had bags under his eyes. I also heard him yawning several times. He has been sleeping for 2 hours now. I was going downstairs to wake him up when the doorbell rang. Knowing that it's Dan and Phil outside, I let them in.

"Hi guys"

"Hi Caspar" Dan said

"Hey. Where's Joe?" Phil asked.

"He's sleeping. I was just about to wake him up"

"Oh ok."

I walk down quickly down the stairs and into Joe's room. When I opened the door, I didn't find him on his bed. Panic set through me. I looked in the bathroom but he wasn't there either. I was starting to worry even more. I then proceeded to my bathroom and didn't find him there either. I checked my room and what I found made me smile. Joe was laying in my bed with him in cacoon of my duvet.

"Babe." I tried waking him up. I shake him a little.

"Baby. Wake up"

"Mmm"

"Sweetheart."

"Grnbl" he still wasn't awake. So I leaned down so he could feel my breath on his lips. I leaned down and place a kiss on his lip. He started kissing back but before the kiss could get any heated, I pulled away.

"Dan and Phil are here, love"

"Ok, I'll be upstairs in a minute."

"Ok love. Hurry up"

I exit my room and go back upstairs. Dan and Phil are just sitting patiently waiting for us.

"Sorry for leaving. Jojo is coming up in a few."

"Are you and Joe dating?" Phil asks.

"Yeah we are. Don't tell anyone please. You guys are the first to know"

"Don't worry, Caspar. We won't tell anyone" Dan said. 

"Oh hi Joe. How are you now?" Phil said.

"Hi. Im okay. Casp's been keeping me sane." Joe says as he cuddles into me on the couch

"Thats good. So how long have you guys been together?"

"Since yesterday" I say

We spend the rest of the day talking to Dan and Phil. They had to leave an hour before dinner because they had to go somewhere important tomorrow.  Joe had fallen asleep with his head on my shoulder.He is so god damn cute. I had to wake him up once again just to make sure he eats dinner. I want to make sure that he goes back to his healthy normal self. Dont get me wrong, I love him no matter what but I want my baby to be happy again. I want to see those beautiful blue eyes light up again. 

Everytime I look at Joe, I fall in love with him over and over again. 


	9. Zalfie

 

Joe's POV

Caspar sleeps with me now since he doesn't want me to do something while he's away. I don't mind because that means I get cuddles from him. Also he showers me with kisses in the morning and before we go to sleep. He is such a sweetheart. I really do love him with every fiber of my being. I love how he always tries to protect me.

Anyways, this morning I woke up to Casp staring at me. I looked up into his eyes and they were filled with love. "Good morning baby"

"Good morning"

He leaned down and pressed a quick kiss to my lips. I blushed at his actions. I snuggled into him. My hands on his naked chest and his arms around my waist. He kissed my forehead. I don't know how long we laid there just hugging.

"Babe"

I love when he calls me babe. It makes my heart flutter.

"Mhm"

"We have to get up"

"Umm.. C-can I-I get a k-kiss f-first?"

"Of course, love. Anything for you."

He lifts my chin up and presses his lips to mine. I start kissing back and soon his tongue is in my mouth.

"I love you" I whisper.

"I love you too" he says before pecking my lips twice.

We both get out of bed. Caspar goes to his bathroom to do his morning routine whilst I do mine in my bathroom. Casp took all of my blades away from me so I wouldn't cut. I have a blade in a box that I have stored in my closet that he doesn't know about. I really hope he doesn't find it. I quickly do my routine and leave my room to find my boyfriend.

I walk upstairs to see Caspar making breakfast for us. It was just some toast with nutella on it. I honestly, don't want to eat anything because it'll just make me more fat.

"Babe. Come here" I quickly walk over to my South African boyfriend and he immediately attacks me into a hug. "I know you want to starve yourself but you have to eat."

"I'll try for you, Caspy"

************later that day************

After helping Caspar clean up, we just cuddle on the sofa watching tv. Well, he was watching tv and I was laying next to lay him with my face in the crook of his neck and his arms around my waist. I slowly fall asleep because I'm still tired from last night. Even though it was the most amount of sleep I had gotten in the past year, I still felt tired.

It was around 3 in the afternoon when I woke up. I looked up at my boyfriend to see he had fallen asleep as well. I press my lips against his cheek to see if he would wake up. I then pressed my lips against his and he immediately kissed back. He arm tightened up around my waist.

"Mmhm Joe" I swear his voice always turns me on.

I pull away from him and he pouts. I peck his lips twice to get that pout off of his lips. Once we both sit up, he immediately attacks my lips. "You're so fucking beautiful". Once the kiss starts getting heated, he pulls me into his lap. My legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. He sweeps his tongue on my bottom lip, begging for entrance. I slightly open my mouth and let his tongue enter my mouth. He tilts my head a little to get better access to my mouth. Once he explores every nook and cranny, his tongue massages my tongue. He then nibbles on my bottom lip before pulling away. We take a few breaths before his lips are on mine once again. I'm so turned on by this.

We have been making out for the past hour. Ok major exaggeration there, it's only been 5 minutes. Oh god, his tongue. The things he's doing to me. Imagine all the things he can do with his tongue.

"I love you Jojo"

"I love you too Caspy"

"What do you want for lunch?"

"I d-dont w-want to e-eat anything"

"Come on. You have to eat, babe"

"I a-ate t-this morning"

"Just eat a little bit. I want you happy and back to normal. I really miss that cute little smile of yours."

"I am happy."

"I know you are but that's not what I mean. I really want you to get better."

"Sorry"

"Don't apologize, love. It's not your fault. I'm going to do everything in my power to get you back to the old Joe Sugg I fell in love with."

Caspars POV

After our little conversation, I went out and got some Nandos. I know I shouldn't have left Joe home alone but I didn't want to bring him outside because I don't want him to feel more insecure than he already is. I don't think that made sense but I frankly don't care. After I got my order, I quickly walked home. I already miss my baby. Once I got home, I call Joe. He needs to eat because his weight is really not good for his height.

He rushed upstairs. I could see dried tears on his face. A patch of bright red skin poking out from under his shirt.

I didn't want to talk about it right now so I make him eat at least a little bit of his food. Once we finish eating, I take his hand and pull him up so he's standing. He won't look at me. His eyes won't meet mine. I lift his chin up with my thumb and index finger. I press my lips to his. Before he can make a move, I pull away.

"Babe. Why?"

He doesn't answer me. His eyes fill with tears. I pull him into a hug.

"I love you no matter what. I'm going to help you. I'm not mad Jojo. I'm just upset. You were a week clean. What happened babe? Was it the hate?"

"Hate" he whispered.

"Don't listen to them babe. You are perfect just the way you are. I love you so fucking much." He continues crying and I really don't want to see him in pain. "Shhh babe. We will get through this. I promise. I'm never letting you go"

I signal for him to wrap his legs around me so I can carry him to the sofa. It's only 5 pm. Joe moves his head from my neck and looks me straight in the eyes before he gives me a quick kiss.

"I-I love y-you, C-Caspy. Y-you a-are the b-best boyfriend. Y-you make me s-so happy. "

"I love you to baby." I move my hands down to his waist. "I love you too"

We stay like this for few more minutes.

"What do you want to do?"

"C-can w-we m-make out?"

"Is that even a question, Joe?"

I don't wait for him to answer before I press my lips against his. He hungrily kisses back. Soon, Joe is under me and his arms linking around my neck. My hands still at his waist. We only stop to take little breathes before I attack his lips again. I could seriously do this forever. I move my lips down to his neck, leaving little kisses along the way.

I press my lips firmly onto Joe's skin and suck on it. Once I'm done, I press little kisses on to the little love bite. I move back up to his lips. His lips are so soft and boy do I love them. His lips are slightly bruised from all the kissing we have done but no ones here to stop us. I mean even if someone tried to stop me, I probably wouldn't. Our lips are moving against each other but this time there's no tongue sucking involved.

"Uhm.. Guys?"

I feel Joe stiffen up under me. Nobody but phan knows about us. Fucking hell!   
I quickly get off of Joe and help him up.

"Uh h-hi Z-Zoe and A-Alfie"

"Erm hi Zalfie. How are you guys?"

Fuck! This is so awkward. I was really enjoy my alone time with my beautiful boyfriend.

"We're fine. I just came to check on Joe."

"I'm fine, Alfie. Or at least trying"

We sit down on the couch. Joe is in my lap. He's laying sideways with my arms around his waist.

" so are you guys..." Zoë starts but i interrupt her with a "yeah we are"

"Took you guys long enough. Don't hurt him Caspar."

"I won't. I wouldn't dream of it."

"Good. How long?" Alfie asked.

"Umm... A w-week" Joe answered. Bless him. He's so cute when he's nervous.

"Who else knows?"

"Phan. They found out the day after we got together."

"Hey!! That's not fair. I'm his sister and also the biggest Jaspar shipper."

"S-sorry z-Zoë"

 _He's such a cutie_.


	10. Love

Joes POV

After Zoë and Alfie left, Caspar took me to our room. Since we shared now, we only used my room because it was bigger. He basically just ripped my shirt off after he lays me down on the bed. He then gets on top of me.

"I don't think you know how much I actually love you."

He kissed everyone of my scars. He said what he loved about me after he kissed a scar.

"You're so beautiful"

Kiss

"I love your smile"

Kiss

"I love your laugh"

Kiss

"I love your cute little nose"

Kiss

"I love your beautiful blue eyes"

Kiss

"I love how your hair always sort of flops over"

Kiss

"I love your lips. God, they taste so good. I could just kiss you forever."

Kiss

"I love your personality"

Kiss

"I love how you look when you sleep. You're so cute"

Kiss

"I love how you get frustrated over the smallest things. Your angry face is so hot."

Kiss

"I love how you always stutters you're nervous"

Kiss

"I love how you ask me if you can kiss me. I'm all yours baby"

Kiss

"I love how you hide your face in my neck when I compliment you"

Kiss

"I love it when you blush."

Kiss

"You're so hot"

Kiss

"I love your dick" I chuckled. He always finds a way to make me laugh.

Kiss

"I love you"

He moves back up to my lips once he's done kissing my scars and complimenting me. I'm red as a tomato. Our lips move against each other. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him down so I can get as close as possible to him. I'm so afraid of losing him to someone who's better than me.

"Baby... Mhm. You're so Hot. I could fuck you right now"

He said between each kiss. I blushed heavily at the thought of Caspar inside me. I need to stop myself.

"Then why don't you "

"Babe.. We've only just gotten together."

"So? "

"I don't want to hurt you, my love. But I could do something else."

"W-what I-is that?"

"Blow you. I can feel your hard on."

I blush heavily at his comment. He then proceeds to kiss down my neck and my chest. Once he reaches the waistband of my jeans and looks at me, asking me for permission with his eyes. I nod wanting to feel his mouth on me. He pulls my jeans down in a swift movement. He then puts his hands down my boxers and strokes my length.

I try my best not to moan but I can't help it. Once he pulls my boxers down, he places his around and my dick. He then licks the tip and proceeds to put more of mini me in his mouth. He bobs his head up and down while I am a moaning mess underneath him. I thrust my hips upwards "C-caspar".  
My hands go to his hair. I honestly never felt so much pleasure in my life before. After a few more minutes, I cum in his mouth. He swallows and moves back up to my lips and we're making out again.

After our little make out, I cuddle in to Caspy and press a kiss to is naked chest.

"I love you"

"I love you too babe"

"Goodnight"

"Goodnight baby"


	11. A Look Into The Past -Part 1

Joe's POV

Today is my therapy session. It's supposed to be for an hour. Dr. Phan said that I have to open up about my past even if it's like the littlest things. I don't want to get into like the major detail just yet so I am going to start with my childhood.

Caspar's taking me to the doctor but he's going to hang out with Marcus while I'm having session. He was going to say no to Marcus but I told him to go. I didn't want to be a burden on my boyfriend.

My boyfriend. Ahhh. I love saying that. My boyfriend. My boyfriend. My boyfriend.

_Too bad he doesn't actually love you_

He does love me

_No he doesn't. He's only giving you pity._

No he's not

_Did you actually think that he can love someone like you?_

_You're ugly, fat, pathetic, and a faggot. He wouldn't even think about loving you_

NO STOP IM NOT. HE LOVES ME

_That's what you think._

HE DOES LOVE ME.

"Babe.. Babe.. Jojo"

I am trying to my best not to let my thoughts get to me. They just take over me and I end up cutting myself. I'm such a disappointment.

_You got that right. You are a disappointment_

I know

_You're so stupid. Think about Caspar. You are such a pain._

I know

_You're so fat and ugly._

I know

"Jojo look at me." He takes a hold of my hands. I've been so lost in my thoughts that I didn't realize that I was scratching my fresh cuts from yesterday. They have opened up. My face is also wet from my tears. Caspar goes into the bathroom and comes back with the first aid kit. He starts cleaning up my cuts. He then wipes my face with his hands.

"Babe what's wrong?"

"n-nothing"

"Babe. Please just tell me. I want to be able to help you."

"D-do y-you a-actually l-l-love me?"

"Of course I do. I love you so so much"

"I-it's n-not o-o-out of p-pity"

"No it's not out of pity. I would never do that to you. You mean so much to me"

He then presses his lips to mine. His arms around my waist and mine around his neck. "I love you so much" he whispers against my lips.

"I love you too"

*****2:50 pm*****

Caspar's just dropped me off. I'm waiting for my turn as there are quite a few people before me. My appointment is at 3. I feel my penis vibrate. That's what I get for putting my iPhone in the front pocket of my jeans. Anyways, I take my phone out to see who's messaging me.

**From; Zoë**

Hello broseph. How are you holding up?

**To: Zoë**

I'm alright. Just waiting for my therapist.

**From: Zoë**

Who's with you?

**To: Zoë**

Caspar dropped me off

**From: Zoë**

Do you need someone to pick you up after your done?

**To:Zoë**

It's ok. Casp said he would be back when I'm done

"Joseph Sugg"

I get up and walk over to my therapist. We walk into her room. Once I sit down, she tells me what we're going to talk about.

"Today we're going to start with a few questions and then you can tell me a little bit about your past."

"ok"

"What made you start cutting?"

"My past"

"Care to elaborate on that"

"No. Not really"

"When did you start cutting? How long?"

"J-january 2013. A-about 2 y-years"

"Did anyone know about this?"

"N-no"

"Im going to say a few words. If any of these words trigger you, then tell me to stop"

"ummm....o-ok"

"Fat" 

"ugly"

"stupid"

"worthless"

_No one can help you Joe. Even this dumb ass therapist hates you_

_Did you actually think that you could get better?_

_Answer me! You dumb fuck_

"No. nO. NO. NO. No. STOP" I started pulling on my hair. Harsh tears were rolling down my cheeks. "I'M NOT ANY ON THOSE THINGS" 

"Joe. Listen to me. We can end the session here for today." I gave her a nod and left her room. 

After I calm down a little, I pull out my phone and call Caspar. He picks up on the 3rd bell.

"Hey babe"

"C-caspar. C-can y-you g-get m-me out of h-here?"

"Babe, whats wrong?"

"Please pick me up. Ill t-tell y-you at h-home"

"Okay. Okay babe. I'm coming"  **(Thats what he said)**

With that I ended the phone call. I waited in the waiting area for about 10 minutes before Caspar texted me, telling me to come outside. I get up out of my seat and walk out of the therapy center. I quickly find the car and get in. Caspar leans over and places a kiss on my lips. Once we arrive at our apartment, he drags me to my- our room. 

"What happened, babe? Why were you crying?"

"S-she s-said s-some w-w-words and they k-k-kind of t-triggered me. Then m-my t-thoughts.."

He pulls me into his arms and we just lay there. My head on his chest. 

"Babe, I'm glad you didn't hurt yourself. Don't believe anything people say about you unless they're calling you gorgeous."

"Casp?"

"Yeah, my love."

"I w-want t-to t-tell y-you a l-little bit about m-my p-past"

"You don't have to unless you're fully ready"

"I-im r-ready" 

"Ok then. You can stop whenever you want to"

"I-it s-started w-when I-i was 12. O-on the f-first day of shool, people made fun of me. They called me ugly and a stupid fag. A-at th-that time, I was b-blond. Anyways, a-a f-f-few y-years later, when I s-started h-high s-school, the b-bullying g-got w-worse.  They s-started b-beating me. T-they w-would call m-me w-worthless and f-fat b-but Zoë and m-my o-only f-friend always t-told m-me t-that I w-was as fat as a twig. I didn't r-really b-believe them. S-so a few m-months i-into my last y-year of h-high s-school, the b-bullying g-got w-worse. T-they threw p-punches a-at me and kicked m-me i-in the s-stomach. T-that's w-when I-I s-started s-starving m-m-myself and s-started wearing b-baggier c-clothes." i explained with tears rolling down my face.

"Shh babe. You're so beautiful. Don't let your past catch up to you. Your present and future is what matters the most. To tell you the truth, I am so mad. You out of all people don't deserve this." Caspar said.

He takes me into his arms and holds me close. He places kisses on my face trying to sooth me. I haven't told him what led me to start cutting just yet. He doesn't know what my very first boyfriend did to me. I'll tell him that story another time. Honestly, talking to Caspy made me feel a whole lot better not that i've got a little bit off of my chest. 

"Caspy?"

"Yes, my love"

"Y-you m-make m-me s-so h-happy"

"You make me happy too babe."

"D-do I h-have to g-go to the t-therapist n-next w-week? I-i-i d-dont l-like her"

"Unfortunely, you do babe. I'm never going to leave you there by yourself," Caspar said. "I'm really sorry for leaving you today"

"I-its o-ok"

" Is there more to your past that you want to tell me?"

"Y-yeah I-i-i d-do b-but its n-not a-all o-of i-it"

"That's alright babe. Tell me as much as much as you want to tell me"

"ok"

"Go on babe"

"I started c-cutting l-last y-year because of all the h-hate I g-got on m-my videos and t-twitter. T-they said t-things like "You talk to much" , "You're not good enough", "Zoe must be ashamed to be your sister", "you're too ugly", and "you think your funny but your really not". T-there were m-more c-comments l-like that. At f-first I-I ignored t-them b-but then the h-hate stood o-out m-more. T-that's w-when m-my t-thoughts s-started a-attacking m-me." I started crying once again. It really hurt to talk about this.

"Your subscribers and followers are the ones that should support you through everything and anything." Caspar said. 

"They s-started t-telling m-me to d-delete m-my c-channel s-so I-i j-just s-stop m-making v-videos. I s-stopped t-tweeting. That's w-why I d-didn't got to Vidcon and P-playlist L-live"

"Babe, you didn't have to quit to make a few irrelevant people happy. Its not about them. Its about you and what makes you happy. When did you quit?"

"A f-few m-months a-after P-playlist 2014"

"You should've told me about this. I would've tried to help out."

"T-there's n-nothing y-you c-could've d-done"

"I could've tried"

"Its n-not y-your f-fault"

"Did you at least upload a goodbye video?"

"umm... n-no"

"Do you want to?"

"n-no. I-i d-don't w-want to s-see the h-hate"

"How about when I film my video, I-ll tell them?"

"I guess but w-what if I-i just t-tweet I'm d-done with y-youtube?"

"You cant do that babe"

I take out my phone from my pocket and pull up the twitter app. Once, I'm logged in, I compose a new tweet.

@Joe_Sugg: I have decided to quit youtube. My channels will still be up if you guys still want to send me hate.  #GoodbyeYoutube 

"i-is t-that g-good?"

Caspy takes my phone from me and reads over my tweet.

"That should do babe"

"O-ok" I click the tweet button. Once I turn off my phone, I put it on my bedside table. I snuggle further into Caspar. 

"I hope you know that no matter what happened to you in the past, I will always be here with you by your side. I will always love you"

"I love you... always and forever"

"F-forever?"

"Forever."

"I love you too... always and forever"

We just lay there, in a peaceful silence. He's holding me really close, as if I was going to disappear. i could stay like this forever.

"You know Jojo. I really wouldn't give you up for the world. If you had succeeded in killing yourself, I would've done the same. I don't want to live in a world without you."

"I d-didn't t-think y-you cared"

"I will always care about you"

I lean up and press my lips to Caspar's. Our lips move together in a slow yet passionate way. His tongue slips inside my mouth. The kiss soon turns into a makeout session. He's on top of me with his hands under my shirt, carressing my sides. Once he disconnects our mouths, he pulls my shirt up and over my head. He then kisses the hicky he left on my neck and now hes making another one.

"mmm, Caspar"

"I fucking love you so much"

He then proceeds to suck and bite my skin, leaving love bites. He starts kissing down my neck and my chest.  He then kisses the scars on my hips. 

And that's when the doorbell goes off.

 


	12. Twitter

_Word Count: 1302_

Caspars POV

 Just when things were starting to get heated, someone just had to come over. I am really horny and just by feeling Joe between my legs, I could tell he was horny too. I get off of Joe and hand him his shirt. After fixing my hair, I go upstairs to answer the door.

 "Hello" I hear Marcus' voice.

 "I'm coming" I yelled back.

Once I have opened the door, Marcus and Niomi come running in.

"well hello to you too"

 "Ha soz Casp. Where's Joe?"

 "Downstairs"

 "How is he doing?"

 Just as I was about to answer, Joe calls me.

 "CASPY?"

 "You guys make yourselves comfortable.I'll be back with Joe"

 "Ok Casp. Make sure he doesnt hurt himself"

 I run downstairs and into Joe's room.

 "yes babe?"

 "W-whos u-upstairs?"

 "Narcus are here"

 "Umm...C-can w-we n-not t-tell them a-about us j-just y-yet?"

 "Whatever makes you happy, love" I give him a quick kiss before pulling him up the stairs. Once we reach the couch, Marcus speaks up.

 "Hey Joe. How are you?"

 "h-hi. i-im f-fine"

 "Are you sure. We don't want to see you sad."

 "um yeah... I'm sure"

 "We saw your tweet. If quitting youtube will make you happy, then we support your decision 100 percent. Your health comes before this" Niomi speaks up.

 "Thank you g-guys"

 " Have you checked your twitter, Joe?"

 "N-not s-since i-i t-tweeted. C-caspy c-can you c-check?"

 "Yeah. Hand me your phone"

 He gives me his phone. I enter his passcode into the lock screen. Once I'm allowed access to his phone, I go to his twitter and click on his last tweet. I read the replies. FUCKING HELL!!! There is so much hate. My eyes widen at some of the tweets.

 "W-what a-are t-they s-saying?"

 "Nothing important. Don't worry about it" I said, quickly.

 "Caspar. Can I see his phone?" Marcus asks.

 I hand him Joe's phone and instantly I can see anger building up in him. He is red in the face. Niomi's eyes widen at the amount of hate and what people are saying. Marcus gives me the phone which is opened on the notes app.

  _Dont let him see his phone!!_

 I turn off Joe's phone and put it in my pocket. I am not letting him near his phone until this all dies down.

 "C-can I-i h-have m-my p-phoneback?"

 "No, you cant. You dont need it"

 "I-i d-do n-need it"

 "You dont, Jojo."

I was slightly panicking now. I didn't want to see him him cry. I didn't want to see blood all over his body. I didn't want him to get triggered. I didn't want to see him on a hospital bed, fighting between life death. I don't want to wake up one morning to find out that the love of my life committed suicide and actually succeeded. If I can't stop people from sending him hate, then I sure as hell can stop him for seeing it.

 "b-but.."

 "Joe, let him keep it. You'll get it back when you need to use it."

 I didn't talk for rest of the time, Narcus were here. When they leave, I say a quick goodbye before closing the door and locking it. I go back to the couch and sit next to Joe. He immediately snuggles in to me.

 "C-caspy?"

 "yeah, love?"

 "w-whats w-wrong?"

 "nothing babe. Don't worry about it."

 "T-tell me"

 "Nothing's wrong, my love"

 "T-there is s-something w-wrong"

 "Jojo, there's nothing for you to worry about"

 "W-why w-won't you t-tell me?" Joe said with a sad expression.

 "Babe, please just drop it. If there was something wrong with me, you would be the first to know. Don't stress over it, love"

 "I-I k-know. I-I love y-you"

 "I love you more."

 "No y-you d-don't. I l-love you most"

 "Don't be ridiculous baby. I love you more than anything or anyone in the world. In fact, you are my whole world."

 I see him blush bright red. God, this boy will be the death of me. I am so in love with him.

 "C-can I h-have my p-phone?"

 "I took your phone for a reason babe."

 "W-what r-reason?"

 "Can't tell you that but how about we make a deal?"

 "W-why d-deal?"

 "I'll give you your phone back I you promise not to go on Twitter"

 "I p-promise"

 I pull Joe into my lap, wrapping my arms around his waist. He lays his head on my shoulder.

 "I love you"

 "I love you too" He didn't stutter!

 Once Joe falls asleep on me, I take out my phone and go to the Twitter app. Once I'm logged in, I compose a new tweet.

 @Caspar_Lee: Can you guys stop? WHat the fuck did @Joe_Sugg do to you? ...All he ever does is try to make you guys happy! What have you all done for him? Nothing. (1)

After I tweet that, I compose another one.

 @Caspar_Lee: To all of you who have subscribed or followed Joe to send him hate... You are irrelevant! Get a fucking life!

And then one last tweet.

 @Caspar_Lee: Just because you feel insecure about yourself doesn't mean you need to bring other people down. Get a proper job, you dicks!

 Within minutes, my Twitter blows up. My followers are tweeting me. They range from "why did Joe quit?", "who do I need to kill?", "I'm about to kill a bitch" to "thank god he quit. He's so ugly" and "Did he finally kill himself?"

At this point, I was so fucking outraged. There are some stupid people in the world. I care about what goes on in their lives that makes them sad but when they start attacking my boyfriend and friends, that's when I stop giving a flying fuck about them.

 @Caspar_Lee: BTW Joe quit you tube because his "subscribers" don't know what respect is.

 I log out of my Twitter and go on Joe's phone. Once I'm allowed access into his phone, I delete the Twitter app.

 Joe's POV

Caspar's being really strange. He won't let me go on Twitter. He even went as far as deleting the app. I can always download it again. Every time, I go to download it, I remember my promise to Caspy. I don't want to let him down more than I already do.

I have cut twice after the last time my cuts opened up. He doesn't check everyday, but every once in a while he does.

I move my head a little so my lips are touching his neck. I give him a quick kiss, before sitting in his lap, facing him. He instantly wraps his arms around his waist and my arms go around his neck.

"Caspar"

"Yes princess" I blush heavily at the name.

"K-kiss me"

He presses his lips to mine. Our lips move together at a slow pace. It's over all too soon, when my phone vibrates 

**From: Alfie**

Joseph, I've heard from a little bird that you quit YouTube.

**To: Alfie**

Yeah I did. I wasn't going to say anything but Caspar told me too

**From: Alfie**

Zoë and I support your decision 100 percent. We just want you happy. How's Caspar treating you?

 

**To: Alfie**

He makes me really happy.

**From: Alfie**

That's great.! I'll text you later

I put my phone away before putting my hugging Caspar.

"I love you Caspy."

"You didn't stutter, babe. I love you too"

**** next day*****

I broke my promise. I'm such a disappointment.


	13. Im Sorry

_Word count: 1156_

Joe's POV

I'm doing something that I'm not supposed to be doing. Checking my Twitter. I know that Caspy has my notifications on so I'm not replying or tweeting anything. I don't want him to be mad at me.

I have my razor right next to me and you know the blade looks so inviting. It's shining even though it is a little dark in my room. My door is closed. My bathroom door is locked. My phone clutched in my hands. I'm sitting on the floor in nothing but a pair of boxers. I like to do this a lot. When I'm sad, this is my happy place. It's where I go to get relief from the pain. It's where I go when I want to be happy. The blades may make me feel a lot of pain but it doesn't bring a sense of joy to me.

The blade sings to me. Faintly, so soft against my ears, its voice calms my worries and tells me that one touch will take it all away. It tells me that I just need to slide a long horizontal cut, and make a clean slice. It tells me the words that I have been begging to hear: this will make it ok. ( **AN: This is a quote I found on the Internet by the way)**  


I can't tell Caspar that. He will think I'm crazy.

Anyways, I log onto my Twitter app before going to favorite trend. #CutYourselfJoe

I read a few before I get my blade ready. I press it to my thighs before sliding it across in a horizontal line.

I made the first cut razor thin. A gentle kiss on virgin skin.

_1 for being a disappointment_

_2 for being worthless_

_3 for being ugly_

_4 for being fat_

_5 for being a burden on Caspar_

_6 for upsetting Zoë, mum and dad_

_7 for being annoying_

_8 for being gay_

_9 for being the worst boyfriend ever_

_10 for existing_

I make 10 more cuts on both my wrists and my other thigh. The red liquid oozing out like water from a leaking pipe. A mixture of pain and relief over takes my body. This is my happy place.

People always assume that girls are the only ones who can be anorexic and depressed. They don't realize that boys can become the target too. They don't realize that we face the same problems. We face the same insecurities. Some more than others but we know what it's like. They don't see us as vulnerable.

Once I clean myself up and put bandages all over my body, I get dressed and leave the bathroom. Nobody needs to know what I do, when Caspar's not around. It's not like anyone cares.

I go lay down on my bed and keep going through my mentions. The tears roll down my eyes like a waterfall. Even though it hurts, I still do it.

In the midst of bawling my eyes out, I didn't realize that I had favorited a bunch of tweets that were indirect hate towards me . I didn't realize until my phone was blowing up with text messages from Caspar and Zoë.

No

nO

NO

NO NO NO

This can't be happening. He can't know. I'm such a fucking fuck up.

From: Caspy <3

JOE

From: Caspy<3

IM COMING HOME. I swear

From: Zoë

Why are you favoriting those tweets?

From: Zoë

JOE

From: Zoë

Answer me

Before I can answer any of them, I hear Caspar coming in to the house. He walks into my room and snatches my phone from me.

"ARE YOU SERIOUS JOE?"

I didn't answer. More tears rolling down my eyes. I don't like when he, out of all people, yells at me. The guilt is eating me alive. Disappointment written on his face.

"YOU FUCKING PROMISED ME"

"I-I'm s-s-sorry"

"I CANT BELIEVE IT"

"I'm s-sorry c-Caspy. P-please"

He doesn't say anything as he leaves my room with my phone clutched in his hand. I stay in my room crying. Eventually, I cry myself to sleep.

Caspars POV

I fucking knew it. I shouldn't have given him his phone back. I'm so mad that he broke his promise. I saw the cut on his wrists but he doesn't know.

After I'm done checking Twitter and tweeting a few things about how Joe won't be using his Twitter anymore, I turn off my laptop. I go into Joe's room to check on him, but I find him asleep clutching the other pillow on his bed. Bless.

"n-no c-Caspy. D-don't l-leave me"

Wait what

"C-caspar. I-I'm s-sorry please"

"Y-you can't l-leave me"

"N-no c-Caspar come back"

I try to wake him up but he won't open his eyes.

"C-Caspy please. I-I l-love you"

"NO YOU CANT LEAVE ME. I LOVE YOU. CASPAR P-please"

I shake him awake. His hair is sticking to his forehead. His checks are flushed and eyes are wet. I pull him into a hug and he immediately snuggles into me.

"Y-y-you l-left m-me"

"Babe, I'm not going anywhere"

"I-I'm sorry"

"It's alright, babe. I love you. I could never stay mad at you."

"P-please d-don't l-leave m-me. I-i wouldn't b-be a-able t-to l-live I-if y-you leave m-me."

"Shh princess. I'm never going to leave you."

"I love you"

"I love you more my beautiful boyfriend and I will love you till the end"

We just stay there for a few minutes before I speak up.

"Babe, I saw your arms earlier"

"I'm sorry"

"Stop that. Show me your wrists."

He hesitates for a second before lifting up his sleeves.

"Babe, you don't understand how hard it is for me to see you like this. I took your phone away because I didn't want you seeing the hate. I wanted to protect you from them"

He stays quite. Unsure of what to say.

"When you cut yourself how do you feel? I just want an answer."

"I c-can feel the h-hurt. T-there's something g-good about it. M-Mostly it makes me s-stop remembering."

"That's what I'm here. To help you stop remembering. To help you go back to your normal happy self. I want to help you through everything. Baby, I'll be there for you through the thick and thin. One day, I want you to walk down the aisle with no worries and a smile that will light up the room."

"Y-you w-what?"

"I'm going to marry you one day, Joe Sugg. I'm never leaving you. Remember, scars or no scars, I will love you till the end."

With that being said, I press my lips to his into a gentle kiss.


	14. Through The Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to the song when you get to Caspar's POV

Joe's POV

Caspar is currently in his room recording his new video. He wanted me to be in it for like the first minute but I said no. He wanted me to at least say one last goodbye to the people who have subscribed to both of us. We weren't ready to tell everyone yet. Zalfie and Phan are the only ones who know about us.

I am in my room in one of Caspar's shirt and my boxers. I don't know why I didn't have any pants on or maybe I do. ;)

Joking! He was kissing my scars again. He makes me so fucking happy. I love him so much. That thing he said about wanting to see me walk down the aisle with a real smile on my face made me so flustered and happy. My checks were burning when he said that he was going to marry me one day. I hope he does.

Anyways, I was getting lost in my thoughts. Flashbacks, you call them. It was when I was in high school and my bullies would beat me up. Zoë went to my school but she always let them beat me. As soon as the torture would be over, she would come running over and try to help me. I would ignore her and painfully limp away. She would always apologize afterwards but I just wanted to be alone. I would always take my blade with me to school. Once I had successfully gotten away from my sister, I would lock myself in the bathroom and make some cuts. Of course, no one noticed until one day when a boy from my grade had walked in. He saw my cuts on my wrists. He tried to help me clean up but I would flinch every time he tried to come close. Charlie. He became my first friend.

When I started YouTube, all my subscribers seemed to like me. Always pointing out nice thing but once I hit 1 million, I started seeing the hate. It would always stand out. The voices came back. The slices came backs. The anxiety came back. I started talking less. Started eating less. All because of one incident.

Maybe I should tell Caspy about it. But what if he judges me and doesn't want to be with me. What if he thinks that I'm too disgusting? What if he moves out? I can't lose him.

"Hey babe"

"H-hi"

"Are you hungry, my love?"

"N-no"

Caspar sighed before he walked over and laid down next to me.

"Baby. You have to eat something"

"I-I a-already d-d-did"

"What did I say about lying?"

"N-not t-to lie"

"Then what do you want to eat?"

"I d-don't know"

"How about we order takeout?"

"O-ok"

***********

After we ate, Caspar wanted to watch a movie. Once he put on pitch perfect 2, he laid down on the sofa. My back was against his chest and his arms around me. It's completely silent as the movie is playing. Our hands are linked together and resting on my stomach. We lay like that until the movie is over and then suddenly he is on top of me. Our lips almost touch when his phone goes off.

"Bloody hell"

Caspar swears before he takes out his phone to see who was calling him. Zoë.

"Hi Zoë........Oh his phones downstairs. We were just watching a movie.......Yeah hold on" He hands me his phone.

"Hi"

"Hi Broseph. How are you doing now?"

"I'm good"

"How's Caspar treating you?"

"He's great" I said with a smile on my face

After our conversation ended, Caspar had to go out to get some things. He did want to leave me home alone but I told him I would be fine. Of course, he didn't wanted to go but I made him.

Since Caspar had uploaded his video earlier today, I decided to watch it. It was the tumblr tag. The last minute of the video, he talked about me and why I stopped YouTube. He told everyone to stop sending me hate because one day they will end up losing me. When he said, I could see him getting ready eyed. Once the video is finished, I go and read the comments. Once again the hate stands out.

_Finally he left_

_No one likes him_

_About time he quit_

_I wonder how his camera didn't break every time he looked into it._

_Does he actually think that Caspar likes him?_

_He was such a disappointment. Bet he still is_

I continue to read all the hate. The tears are rolling down my face. Suddenly, it's all too much. The urge to cut is real. Caspar won't know. He won't check.

I run down the stairs and into my bathroom. I take out the hidden razor and making slashes into my skin.

_One for being a disappointment_

_Two for being a bad person_

_Three for thinking Caspar loves me_

_Four for existing_

Before I can make a fifth cut, someone stops me. Caspar. I break down, crying, in his arms.

Caspars POV

_You tell me that you're sad and lost your way_

_You tell me that your tears are here to stay_

_But I know you're only hiding_

_And I just wanna see you_

"Joe babe. What happened?"

"It w-was t-the c-comments on y-your v-video"

"Babe. Whatever they said is not true. I love you. Now let's clean you up"

Once he's clean of any blood, I wipe his tears away. They keep coming down like a waterfall.

"Babe please stop crying"

"I can't." He covers his face and runs out of the bathroom. I follow him. He's in his bed with his blanket covering his face.

"Babe. Let me see you."

"N-no"

_You tell me that you're hurt and you're in pain_

_And I can see your head is held in shame,_

_But I just wanna see you smile again_

_See you smile again_

"Jojo please. I just want to see you smile"

"N-no. I-it hurts C-Caspar"

"Babe I know you're in pain. I'll help you out"

_But don't burn out_

_Even if you scream and shout_

_It'll come back to you_

_And I'll be here for you_

"I-I c-can't do this a-anymore"

"Joe please don't say that."

"It's j-just too m-much."

"I'm here for you, my love. Let me help you"

_Oh I will carry you over_

_Fire and water for your love_

_And I will hold you closer_

_Hope your heart is strong enough_

_When the night is coming down on you_

_We will find a way through the dark_

I laid down next to him in his bed. I pull his body towards mine and wrap my arms around him.

"Babe. Please don't say that. I can't lose you." I had tears rolling down my face.

"W-why'd y-you h-have to s-save me?"

"I love you. I couldn't lose you. "

"I d-don't w-want to live"

"Babe, I know you are strong enough to get through. I will help you get through this."

_I wish that I could take you to the stars_

_I'd never let you fall and break your heart_

_And if you wanna cry or fall apart_

_I'll be there to hold you_

"I-I'm not"

"I wish I had known about this sooner. I would've never let you fall and break your heart. "

"Y-you c-couldn't h-have done a-anything a-about it"

"I would've done something. But for now, all I can do is be there for you."

_You tell me that you hurt, it's all in vain_

_But I can see your heart can love again_

_And I remember you laughing_

_So let's just laugh again_

"It h-hurts Caspy."

"I know baby. I wish I could stop you from getting hurt."

My poor baby. He's still crying. I want him to be happy again. I want him to laugh at the littlest things like he used to.

_But don't burn out_

_Even if you scream and shout_

_It'll come back to you, back to you_

"Joe?"

"hmm"

"Even though you want to die right now, I promise it will get better. You will be happy again."

_Oh I will carry you over_

_Fire and water for your love_

_And I will hold you closer_

_Hope your heart is strong enough_

_When the night is coming down on you_

_We will find a way through the dark_

_And you don't need_

_You don't need to worry_

_And you will see it's easy to be loved_

_I know you wanna be loved_

"Dont worry about the hate. I love you and that's all that should matter"

_Oh I will carry you over_

_Fire and water for your love_

_Oh I will carry you over_

_Fire and water for your love_

_And I will hold you closer_

_Hope your heart is strong enough_

_When the night is coming down on you_

_We will find a way through the dark_

_Oh I will carry you over_

_Fire and water for your love_

_And I will hold you closer_

_Hope your heart is strong enough_

_When the night is coming down_

_We will find a way through the dark_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dont really like this chapter. But anyways, I am going to update my phanfic during summer and there might be an update before that. I dont know yet. I will be writing more chapters for this book but they wont go up until I'm in Pakistan. I need to make sure that I have something up for you guys when im back home.


	15. Coming Out

Joe's POV

I had somehow convinced my therapist and Caspy that I didn't need to see her. Caspar was reluctant. He didn't want to see me hurt. I feel bad that he's stuck with me. I can't keep hurting him by cutting. I need to stop. Last time I told Caspy about my past, he helped me a lot.

But I still don't have the courage to tell him about that event. It had been a month since I told Caspy about quitting YouTube. Me and him are still going strong. I was getting better. I still cut but I had gained majority of my weight back. I looked healthy. I wanted to start using my Twitter again but Caspar wouldn't let me. He had deleted my account when he caught me again. My friends did call me about it but I just lied. I'd do anything for my Caspy. He is the best and I love him so much.

I wasn't too sad about deleting my Twitter. I was more sad that I kept on bringing Caspar down with me. He's been nothing but a lovely boyfriend.

Anyways, me and Casp have decided to tell our family and friends about our relationship and our sexuality. I was a bit hesitant but a month into mine and Caspy's relationship, I was ready. Since Caspar's family was in South Africa, we decided to skype them first.

"Baby"

"Yes Casp"

"It's on"

"O-oh"

"I'm gonna tell them about me being gay first and then we can tell them about us."

"S-sounds good"

"Don't be nervous babe. They already love you"

"T-that w-was before w-we s-started d-dating"

"It's not any different from being best friends. Only difference is that we kiss and I suck you off"

"Caspar" I say and hit him on his arm. My face was red now.

"It's true babe. Just wait till we go all the way."

"Oh my Caspar. Stop it." He keeps making me blush. Caspar chuckles to himself before pressing a kiss to my lips.

Just as things were starting to get heated, Caspar's mum called on Skype. After I moved out of his embrace, Caspar answered the call.

"Hi mum!" He always gets so happy when he sees his mum.

"Hi to you to Caspar" Theodora called from the back.

"Hi. Ok so I need to tell you guys something. Umm I hope you can still accept me because I'm still the same Caspar." I could sense that he was nervous. I moved me hand so I take was on top of his and gently squeezed it.

"What is it Casp? You know we will support you no matter what."

"There's no better way to put it....um....but I'm g-gay"

"Oh Casp. We already knew that. You talk about Joe like he's your whole world."

I blushed at her statement.

"Wait what...."

"What mums trying to say is that we know you dick." Theo said.

"Theodora Lee. Watch your mouth. Now hunny.... What I was saying was that, you always talk about Joe when you visit. You always talk about how incredibly gorgeous he is. How he's the best thing that happened to you."

Can they not? They keep making me blush

"That's because he is gorgeous. And there is something else I wanted to tell you guys."

"We know he is. Go on"

"Me and Joe are dating"

"OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS?"

"Yes"

"That's wonderful. Treat him right. I know he's going through a lot at the moment. Treat him like he's your whole world"

"H-he a-already does" I whisper to myself. Or that's at least what I think I did.

I didn't realize that I had said it out loud until I heard Caspar's mum say hi to me. He pulled my closer to him and put his arm around me neck.

"Don't worry mum. He  _is_  my whole world."

After we talked to Caspar's mum and sister, I decided to call all of our friend plus my dad over. I am so nervous. This could either go really wrong or everyone will accepts us. I mean they have to accept us. None of them are homophobic. They accepted Tronnor, Joey, Phan and Ingrid, so they have to accept us.

I was honestly really nervous. I hadn't talk to half of these people since I tried to commit suicide. Caspy's been my rock through all of this.

30 minutes later all of our British friends are here. We didn't invite the American friends because they're currently not in Britain. My dad arrives last.

We eat some cheeky Nandos and watch movies until Caspar decides that it was time to tell them. I was standing close to Caspar with our hands linked.

"Ok so Joe and I have something to tell you guys. Phan and Zalfie already know this because they literally just walked in on us."

"Ummm... W-w-were g-g-gay"

"And we're dating"

Everyone but Phan and Zalfie just sat there for a moment, taking everything in. That is until my dad came up to me. I thought he was going to hit me for being gay but what he did next surprised me. He pulled me into a hug.

"I'm so proud of you for finally coming out to me." He pulled away and then looked at my Caspy. "Don't hurt my son, Caspar. He's been through enough."

"I wouldn't dream of hurting him, Mr.Sugg" Caspar promises. He then pulls me into a side hug.

Janya came up next.

"We're so proud of you both. Casp, don't hurt him." Jim says and Caspar once again makes the same promise.

"You guys are my otp" Tanya says.

Marcus, Naomi, Chai, Louise, and Louis congratulate us.


	16. Dates

Caspars POV

I've decided to take Joe out on a date. I have to ask him if he wants to go out with me. I don't want him to be nervous to go outside. It's like everything he sees triggers a bad memory. He hasn't even left the house since that day. I didn't want him to go back to cutting.

"Babe?"

"Y-yes C-casp"

"Do you wanna go out on a date?"

"Y-yes!"

"Great. Be ready at 6, love"

You see I already planned out our date. It was gonna be a picnic in this place I found. It's a really quiet and beautiful place. I didn't want people to see us because I don't want Joe to be anxious. He honestly means the world to me.

Every time he goes to sleep crying, it's like a piece of my heart breaks. Every time I look at his cuts, my heart clutches. Every time he's sad, my whole world falls apart. Because he is whole wide world. Every time he gets insecure and thinks that he's not capable of my love, it hurts. I don't know how to make him believe that I love him from the bottom of my heart.

It's like that quote.

"We accept the love we think we deserve"

I don't know where it comes from but I know this. Joe doesn't think he deserves me. I plan on showing him tonight. No I don't mean sex. Even if he's ready, I don't want to hurt him. I mean yeah I have sucked him off and fingered him a couple of times but it hasn't gone further than that.

Anyways, I'm just editing my video since it's Sunday. It's weird not having Joe upload today. I miss his videos tbh. He's happily cuddles me whilst I'm editing. I lay a kiss on his for head before going back to work. My video is a coming out video. I'm not telling the subscribers about me and Joe just yet. Half these people have already caused him problems. I don't want it to get worse. I know that can't happen since I deleted his Twitter and he no longer uses his YouTube account. He made me change his password so he wouldn't be able to log on. My precious baby boy

Once I'm done editing the video, I let Joe watch it. While he was watching the video, I was watching him. I don't care if it's creepy. He's the cutest thing ever. I'm so lucky to have him. I love him so much.

As soon as he's done, I save the video and turn off my laptop before putting it to the side. I sit up looking at Jojo before moving my hands to his cheeks. I press my lips against his. It soon gets heated. My tongue in his mouth, massaging his tongue. I then push him down on the bed. Our lips still connected. I lay on top of him and we make out some more before both of our shirts go off. I start grinding down on him as me make out. Soon, I move my lips down to his neck and start sucking and biting. He lets out a moan and if I wasn't already hard enough from all the grinding, I definitely was now.

I leave a couple more love bites before my mouth down to his nipples. I lick the left one first and take it between my teeth. Once leaving a kiss upon the abused nipple, I give the same treatment to the other nipple.

"C-CASPY" he moans

I move down his body and start kissing his scars. I then lick his happy trail before taking his jeans off and throwing them somewhere. He went commando so there's nothing else for me to take off. I take s dick into my hand and pump it up. I squeeze it a little before licking a fat stripe underneath. I take the tip into my mouth.

"C-CASPAR" he moans loudly.

I lick his slit before take the redo of it into my mouth. I start bobbing my head and soon I'm deep throating him.

"B-b-BABE"

"CAS IM GONNA CUM"

I take him out of my mouth. This is the first I'm going to do this to him but you know what they say. YOLO. I move his legs up so his knees are bent. I move his butt cheeks apart before licking a strip over his hole. I feel Joe shiver at the feeling.

"C-Caspy. What a-are you...... OH MY GOSH"

He doesn't finish his sentence because I pushed my tongue in. I work my tongue around and in his hole before pushing a finger in.

"C-CASPY" his moans are really loud.

"You taste so good babe" I say before I dive back in.

I work two fingers into him along with my tongue. I'm about to push on another finger before his hands are in my hair.

"CASPY IM GONNA CUM"

I move my face from his hole and add another finger in as he comes undone with a shout of my name. He shoots all over his chest.

I go back up to his mouth and giving a very lustful kiss.

"C-can I b-blow you Caspy?"

"Babe you don't have to."

"I want to"

He flips me over and gets on top of me. He leaves a couple of lovebites. I love every moment of this.

"O-OH BABE"

He takes me into his mouth and deep fucking throats me.

"OH MY..... BABE"

He starts playing with my balls

"JOE IM GONNA....." I don't get to finish my finish as I'm spilling my seed into his mouth.

"I love you my precious baby boy"

I see his cheeks turn a gorgeous shade of red. I plant a kiss on his cheek.

"I l-love you too"

"Let's go shower babe. We need to get you cleaned up. It's almost 5"

I get up and pull Joe with me. We walk into the en suite. Once the shower is at right temperature, I get in and Joe follows. I start washing his hair and body. Being careful so I don't make him hard. Once we both get washed, we get out the shower. I move Joe in front of his mirror and stand behind him. I hug him from behind and kiss his neck.

"Absolutely gorgeous babe"

He blushes.

"T-thanks Casp"

"You know you are the best thing that has ever happened to me."

"I-I am?"

"Of course you are, baby boy. I love you"

"I love you too  _daddy_ "

Oh my God

Did he just?

Joe's POV

OMG I JUST CALLED HIM DADDY!  
What is wrong with me?!

"c-Caspy."

"It's alright baby. Go get ready for our date. Nothing formal."

Our first date. I can't wait. I decide to brush my teeth because I smell like cum. I decided to just wear some black jeans with my Jj shirt and my TRXYE sweatshirt.

"C-Casp"

"Yes my love"

"I-Is this o-okay?"

"It's perfect babe. Now get dressed. We have to go in like 10 minutes"

Once we're both dressed, Caspar leads me out of the apartment and into the uber. Don't know when he called them.   
Before we get off, Caspar blindfolds me and leads me out the car. Once he has paid the man, he takes me somewhere.

"Just hold on babe"

It's a rather long walk to wherever we're going.

"I'm gonna take your blindfold off baby"

"O-ok"

He takes the blindfold off and I'm met with a beautiful sight. In front of me is a little picnic set up. There are fairy lights where the branches of two trees come together to form an arch. In front of the set picnic is a little lake and behind it is a bridge. We're surrounded by a bunch of flowers.

"Cmon babe sit down"

I sit down next to Caspar. He opens the picnic basket and pulls out a chocolate dipped strawberry which he starts to feed me. I'm enjoying this whole things so far. We continue to feed each other. There is a screen set up on the other side of the lake and there's a movie playing. Right now it's playing Inside Out. I actually wanted to see that movie ever since it came out last month. I just didn't want to leave the house.

"Babe, come here"

I sit down next to Caspar and he automatically wraps his arms around me and pulls me close to him. We're just laying down with Caspy cuddling me while we watch the movie.

Caspar sneaks little kisses while we watch the movie. Just like now. He's leaning in for another kiss. I obviously grant him what he wants. Soon my bottom lip is between his teeth. He nibbling on if.

"C-Casp"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once we watch the movie, we decide to go home because I get really terrified of the dark. He leads me back to another über and takes us home. As we're walking to the apartment, I see  _him_  walking a few feet away.

Why is he here? How did he find me?


	17. Look Into The Past 2

Joe's POV

"C-Caspy"

"Babe what's wrong? You have been shaking badly ever since we got home"

He was right. I was shaking really badly. I didn't think he would follow through with his threat. I didn't think that he would actually come and find me.

"I s-saw h-him"

"Saw who?"

"H-he's g-gonna k-kill m-me"

"Babe who's gonna kill you? Tell me Joe. I won't let him hurt you"

"I-I'm g-gonna d-die"

I started scratching my cuts. The fresh cuts opened up and the blood oozed out. Soon enough there was a pool of blood where I placed my wrists.

"JOE STOP."

I was having yet another panic attack. It was getting really hard to breathe.

"Babe listen. Listen to my voice"

He started counting to help me breathe.

"In....two....three....out...two..three"  
He kept saying it until I could breathe again.

Once my panic attack was over, Caspar started cleaning my wrist. He then cleaned the floor where my blood was.

"Babe, when was the last time you cut?"

"Y-y-yesterday"

"You promised me you stopped."

"I-I'm s-s-sorry C-Caspy"

"Who's after you Joe?"

"M-my e-e-ex b-b-boyfriend"

"Why is he gonna kill you babe?"

"W-when I w-was in h-high s-school, I-i d-dated this g-guy. His n-name is Chad Wilson. He w-was my f-first b-boyfriend. A-at first, h-he was really n-nice and lovely. My f-friend J-Josh always told me that he didn't t-trust Chad. "

"Babe take a deep breath. You are stuttering awfully a lot."

I take a deep breath and start from where I left off.

"On our one month anniversary, he tried to have sex with me but I said no because I wasn't ready and I was too insecure. Then when we moved in together, he would try to make me have sex. At first he was nice about it but one day he came home drunk and h-h-he r-raped m-m-me."

Caspar pulls me in to a side hug. I started crying because the memory was horrible.

"Baby. You don't have to continue if you don't want to"

"I-I h-have to"

"Ok breathe then talk"

Once I have calmed down a bit, I tell him the rest.

"So a-after that h-he t-told me that i-if I t-tell anyone, t-then h-he would k-kill j-Josh. H-he didn't k-know t-that I h-had a sister and he n-never m-met m-my parents. C-chad started a-abusing m-me and he would s-sexually h-harrass me. H-he s-started c-cutting m-my a-arms and it f-felt so bad. Then a few days later, Josh found out about me being raped. He was really mad. So w-was C-chad. He gave me a beating and left the a-apartment. T-that night I-I got a-a c-call f-from Josh's mom. S-she told m-me that s-someone k-killed Josh. It was my fault my best friend died. I-I was t-the c-cause of it. I p-packed my b-bags and l-left the house. I-I m-moved back in w-with my d-dad."

I take another breath and go on. I was crying really hard. It was hard to breathe but I had to tell Caspar.

"I started cutting my thighs then. I made several cuts. Nobody could hear me. Nobody could see me crying. I-I was alone. I made a cut for being disgusting. One for being ugly. One for being fat. One for being raped. Five for Josh. I killed him. I lost my only friend and my only hope."

"Baby boy. It wasn't your fault. Nothing was your fault. You fell for the wrong guy babe." He says as he's wiping my tears away.

"C-Casp, I-it was my f-fault. E-everyone at school h-had f-found out and t-they b-blamed me. T-they started s-sending hate on F-Facebook. M-my t-teachers g-gave me a l-look of u-utter d-disgust. E-everyone s-started h-hurting me and b-b-bullying me. C-chad then messaged me s-saying t-that he was g-gonna find me and h-he w-was gonna kill me."

"No one and I mean no one is gonna kill you. They will have to go through me first. I'm gonna protect you"

"N-no C-caspy. H-he w-will hurt you. Y-you can't l-leave me"

"I won't ever leave you baby boy. I love you too much."

"I l-love y-you t-too  _daddy"_

"Joe, now is not the time to turn me on"

"Oops sorry  _daddy_ " I giggled. He makes me really happy.

"Joe" he says in a warning tone.

" _Daddy_ "

"Ok that's it" Caspar says as he starts attack my lips.

Let's say it was a really wild night. And no we didn't have sex.


	18. Captured

CASPARS POV

I know I shouldn't leave Joe alone at home but I have to go to the meeting tomorrow. All of our friends are busy so they can't come over and I don't really trust Joe alone at home. I don't want him hurting himself. I asked Zoë but she is working on Girl Online the sequel.

"Baby, I have to go to a meeting tomorrow"

"Y-you c-can't g-go. W-what I-if h-he c-catches m-me?"

"Nothing will happen to you babe. Do you want me to take you somewhere?"

"M-my d-dads h-house"

"I'm not gonna take a risk by leaving you by yourself so lets go."

"But casp. W-what I-if h-he d-does something to y-y-you?"

"Babe he won't. We will be with your dad and once the meeting is done , I'll pick you up"

"But I-isn't t-that a l-long drive?"

"I know but anything to keep my potential future husband safe"

He was blushing and he's so fucking cute. I swear I'll give up my life in order for him to live

"I love you Caspy"

"I love you too beautiful."

****1 hour later****

Oli just texted me saying he needed help filming a video. In other words, he wants to collab.

"Joe baby?"

"Y-yes"

"Is it okay if I go film a video with Oli?"

"Y-yeah I-it's fine"

"Just look after yourself and if he shows up lock the doors and call the police"

"I will"

Chads POV

I saw him. I can kill him now. I can take his precious life. That was my goal since the beginning. Before we started "dating" I had made a bet with my friends that I would make the sugg fall in love with me and then kill him. I killed his best friend, now it's his turn. He must die.

I saw his friend with him. I'll kill them both. I'll ruin him first and then his friend. I saw him leave his house just now. This was easier than I thought it would be.

I go into Joe's house. The fool didn't lock the door. I see he's no where to be seen so I go downstairs. His door is open so I go in to see him asleep. Now is my chance....

Caspars POV

"JOE" I called out to him.

where could he be? I can't see to find him.

"JOE BABY" I call out as I go into his room.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I shouldn't have left him.


	19. Bad Blood

Caspars POV

I can't lose him just like that. W-why did I leave him. Oh my god. This is all my fault. I promised Zoë that I would let anything happen to him. Shit. fuck. crap. I called 999 already and they've started searching for him. I told them about Chad and what happened in the past and what Joe told me. I got the guts to call Zoë. She flipped out on me and she thinks this is my fault and that I'm a bad boyfriend. I didn't mean for this to happen. I've also let him mum and dad know. I don't know what to do. I'm freaking out so bad. I haven't slept for 2 days because my boyfriend is nowhere to be found.

I just have a gut feeling that something bad is going to happen. I don't know what but it's not good. I can not live without Joe. Everyone thinks that Joe is the only they're hurting when they write those comments on Twitter.

"it's a good thing Joe was kidnapped"

"that's great. He can finally die now"

"finally Caspar can find someone better"

"I hope he gets raped".

"Now Caspar doesn't have to deal with the faggot"

"Caspar can be happy now"

You know it fucking hurts that they talk about my boy like that. What hurts the most is that they won't accept my happiness. They think I'm happy without him but they don't know that I'm breaking down.

I'm literally dying inside. Nothing's worse than losing your sunshine. I'm hiding what I'm feeling but I'm tired of holding this inside my head. I can't tell them how much I love him. I can't stop the hate because I know they won't stop. They won't stop until he succeeds in killing himself. But along side him there will be me. Imagine I'm laying dead next to his cold body because no body could save him. Because I couldn't save him. I didn't try hard enough. I should've held him close. I should've looked after him better. I should've cherished him more than I already did. In the end, Chad won. He took my Joe and I don't even know where.

Joe's POV

Where am I. I just woke up and I'm in someone's basement. My vision is blurred. There's no one here. What's going on? Where am I? Where's Caspy?

"Look who finally woke up, boys"

Chad.

"Looks like your precious friend isn't going to help you"

Dylan. He's Chads best friend.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you, pussy"

Omg I'm so scared. I need Caspar. Where is he?

I look up at me because I'm scared as fuck and I don't want to make him even more angry.

"Should we have a little fun with him Chad? Before we kill him?"

"Yeah let's."

"N-NO P-please don't"

"We will take that as a yes"

"Take off the ropes"

Chads POV

Dylan takes off the ropes and I immediately start taking off my clothes. Once I'm naked, I start stripping Joe and tie him back up so he can't escape.

"N-no."

Dylan inserts a finger into his ass.

"NO"

He keeps refusing but you know what. We injected the fucker.

"NO NO NO STOP"

Dylan fingers Joe faster and faster

"I DONT WANT THIS PLEASE STOP"

I cover his mouth with tape so he can't say anything

Once Dylan is done, he starts taking off his clothes. I take his place and shove my dick into Joe. Who cares about giving him pleasure? At least I'm getting pleasure from it. I continue thrusting into him and soon Dylan slides his dick inside. I see Joes eyes widen. He's struggling. Hahaha like I care.

Once we both cum inside him, we both start putting our clothes back on and leave him.

Zoës POV

MY BROTHER. Why does everything bad happen to him? He doesn't deserve all this crap and neither does Caspar. I shouldn't have said anything to him. I know how much he loves my brother. I know how much he has loved from the beginning.

My phone brings me out of my thoughts.

"Hello"

"Hello is this the sister of Joe Sugg"

"Y-yeah"

"We have traced his kidnappers location. We know where he is."

"WHERE IS HE? WHERES MY BROTHER?"

"Meet us at Mr.Suggs residence"


	20. Caught

Caspars POV

They know where Joe is. OMG I'm changing my clothes so I can go with Zoë and the officer. I'm getting my baby back. Once I'm dressed, I run upstairs and out the door to see Zoë talking to the officer.

"Caspar, let's go"

"I'm walking as fast as I can" I was literally running as I was crossing the street.

Once I'm inside her car, seatbelt buckled, Zoe starts driving behind the officer. We have to go out of London and in to Bath.

"Zoë? Chad lives in London so why would he come here?"

"His best friend lives here. I only know this because I always kept an eye on him."

"Oh ok"

It's literally an hour long drive from my house to where ever the fuck Chad is. The officer told us to wait inside the car. They had to get the criminals first. He had heard that Chad and his plus one were coming after me next. I don't even know the man. The officers broke in and 30 minutes later they come back out with Chad and some guy. Me and Zoë exit the car and walk over to the officers.

"What the fuck? Haven't you made enough mess of Joe?"

"We're done with him now. I just wanted to kill him but the police just arrived so I couldn't kill the bastard"

One thing led to another and.....

Zoë slapped him

"Ms. Sugg, please keep calm. Your brother is inside. These boys raped him from what I can tell. They will be charged for kidnapping and rape."

And with that I punch them both and run inside. I searched for him frantically until I reached the basement. And lying on the floor was Joe. Naked. He looks as if he has been drugged. I find his clothes in a pile and put it on him. I don't want him to be seen like this. They've ruined him once again and who knows if Joe will try to harm himself again. I know I have to keep a close watch on him.

Joe starts waking up. He starts shaking once he realizes where he is. He hasn't seen me yet though. I hold his body in my arms once he starts to calm down.

"Baby, I got you. You're okay now. I'm not leaving you alone again."

"C-c-c-Caspar?"

"It's me baby. It's me"

"H-H-he's g-g-gonna k-k-kill m-me"

His stuttering is coming back. He's doing it an awful a lot.

"No ones going to kill you. He got arrested along with his friend."

"D-do y-you s-still l-l-love m-me"

"Of course I do, bear. No matter what happens, I still love you."

"E-E-Even a-a-after t-t-they r-r-raped me"

"Yes baby. Come on. Let's get you home"

He tried to get up but he whimpers. Oh gosh.

"I'll carry you babe"

I carry him out to the car and place him in the back seat. Zoë sits down in the drivers seat and as soon as I'm about to sit in the passengers seat, I hear a sob from Joe. I decide to sit next to him so I can hold him.

Joe's POV

_You're so disgusting_

No. No the voices are back.

_He hates you_

STOP

_Pathetic_

PLEASE

_You should kill yourself now_

_He never loved you_

_It was just an act_

_"_ NO. N-no H-HE D-does l-love me"

I feel Casps arms around me. He holds me close and whispers sweet nothings into my ear.

"I love you so so so so much"

"N-no y-you don't"

"Of course I do. Remember I'm going to marry you." He whispered that part so Zoë wouldn't hear.

I blush at his words. He wipes away my tears and places a kiss to my lips.

"Joe, do you want to stay at mine or go back to your apartment?" Zoë asks from the front seat.

"C-c-can I-i C-Casp?"

"Of course baby. Just be careful."

"C-c-come w-with m-me p-please?"

"You can come too Caspar" Zoë replies

"Alright, I guess I can stay a night or two"

"Great."

"Can we go back to the apartment first. I need to get some clothes for us both?"

"Yeah."

We drive back to mine and Casps apartment. Casp leaves and returns 10 minutes later with a bag. He sits back in the car and we drive off to Brighton.

*1 hour later*

We pul into Zoës driveway. I'm quick to get up and leave the car. I rush into Zoës apartment. Alfie sees me and hugs me.

"You ok Joe?"

"N-no" I whisper.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"N-no"

"Ok. But you know I'm always here , if you need to talk to someone"

"I-I k-know"


	21. Epilogue

2 years later....

I'm as happy as I can be. I no longer feared love because my best friend helped me through the dark. He captured my heart. He made it beat out of control. He made my heart ache less. I just can't get enough of him. He makes my whole world bright. A year after I got raped, I made a video for my YouTube called "My Story". After that I stopped doing YouTube, once again. I didn't need any more negativity in my life. Some how I had gained a million followers after that video. Since I no longer had Twitter, I didn't have a way to talk and explain myself so Caspar did it for me.

I found my happy place because of him. I remember how he would whisper sweet nothings into my ear after I had gotten raped. I remember how even though he might've felt disgusted by being with me, he still held me. He's my own little infinity. Just like Gus and Hazel.

He's never once looked at me with the wrong kind of look in his eyes. He's never held me tight enough to cause bruising. He's never pushed me into having sex with him.

"Baby boy get ready for our date babe."

"Ok casp."

I think I forgot to mention that I don't stutter as much anymore. I can say full sentences without stuttering. . Thanks to my boyfriend.

First I take a shower and brush my teeth. Once I'm done then I start putting on my clothes. I dress casual since Caspy told me to. I'm wearing a white shirt with khaki jeans (picture 3).

Caspar walks up the stairs and I just blown by how hot he looks. He's wearing his striped shirt with a coat on top and some jeans (picture 1).

I notice that he looks really nervous so I walk up to him and hug him.

"Hi baby. Ready to go?"

"Yeah Cas. I'm ready"

We get into the uber waiting outside and drive away. The uber stops in front of Janie Oliver's Diner. Once we get in, we walk to our table. Caspar holds my hand on top of the table.

"What do you want to eat baby?"

"I'll have whatever you have."

"K babe."

Once we get our orders, Caspar feeds me some of his food because he decided to order two different meals. He decided that it would be fun if H ran his foot up my leg. We didn't have dessert because well, Caspar had other plans. He decided that we should walk to our next destination.  We had to walk for 20 minutes but I don't mind mind. Caspar was holding my hand the whole time. When we finally did get to the place he wanted to take me, I was amazed. It was so beautiful. It was place with a lot of colorful trees and a little lake. There was a bridge over the lake. It's so beautiful (picture 4)

"So babe, I've been meaning to do this for a long time. You know I have loved you since I was 18 and I'm glad that I took the chance to get to know you. It was love at first sight for me. As I got to know you, I realized there was something wrong with you. Since that moment, I have wanted nothing more than to just protect you. You are my sunshine. You have always been the one person I've wanted yet I couldn't have you because I was to busy pretending to be straight. Baby, you don't understand how much it actually hurt me to see you that day. It was the worst thing ever. The person I fell so hard in love with had depression. But baby you beat depression. You're one of the strongest people I know. Nobody knows you baby the way I do. Nobody loves you baby the way I do. I just want you to know that I love you so so so much and I just want to know if..."

What happens next catches me off guard. He got down on one knee. Tears rushed to my eyes. Happy tears. He takes something out of his pocket

"Will you make me the happiest man alive and marry me?"

I had tears rolling down my face. "OMG YES!!! Yes!!" He puts the ring (picture 2) on my finger and hugs me real tight. I pull back just enough to kiss his lips.

"I love you, beautiful"

"I love you more"

"I'll let you win this one time, Mr. Lee"

Oh my god. I'm gonna be mr.lee. This is the best thing ever.

I was to lost in the kiss that I didn't notice our friends coming out from behind the trees.

"HE SAID YES" I think that was Tanya

"Congrats Bro." Alfie said.

"Thanks. You too"

Did I forget to mention Zalfie are engaged? Oh well. Oops

Once everyone congratulated us, me and Cas went back to our place. As soon as I stepped in the doorway Caspar trapped me against the wall and started kissing me. He didn't even let me close the door. His warm tongue in my mouth. I moaned loudly.

He then proceeded to press kisses down my neck until he found my sweet spot. I tilted my head a bit.

"C-CAS... oh"

He was giving me a lovebite.

"C-cas.. Mmmm... C-can w-we at l-least close t-the d-door?"

He removed his lips from my neck and shut the door. He then attacked my neck and started grinding against me. I was getting harder and by what I can feel on my leg, I can tell that he's hard too.

"C-CAS m-more"

He takes us down into my room and immediately starts kissing me again. His hands slip under my shirt. He caresses my skin before pulling my shirt off. Once I'm laying down on the bed, he starts pressing kisses to my chest. His hands went down to my jeans and he started by unbuttoning the buttons he slips his hand into my jeans and rubs my clothed bulge.

"MHM Casp"

I take of his shirt before throwing it somewhere. Cas pulls down my jeans and boxers at the same time before he takes off the remaining of his clothes.

He licks my nipples before lightly biting them.

"CAS"

"Mhmm Joe"

His hand grabs a hold of my dick and he squeezes it so it grows in size. He starts by pumping it then he licks the tip. He takes me into his mouth and starts playing with my balls.

"C-CASPAR. "

He bobs his head up and down before I shout at him to fuck me already or I'll come in his mouth. He wasn't impressed.

"Princess,  patience."

I roll my eyes. He gets the lube out of my drawer and coats two fingers. He goes down to ass hole and insert his old finger into me. It doesn't hurt as much because he fingers me every night. He thrusts in one finger for a few seconds before entering another.

"CASPAR. HURRY UP"

"Princess what did I tell you to do?"

"Be patient"

"I'm gonna add another finger, babe"

"Just do it"

He inserts a third finger and holy fuck this burns. I wait until the pain does down a little. "Move Casp." With that, Caspar continues to finger me.

"C-CASPY"

"R-RIGHT THERE." I yell as he hits my spot.

"CASP"

"HOLY FUCK RIGHT THERE CASP"

I was a moaning mess.

"PUT YOUR DICK INSIDE ME CASPAR"

"Well okay damn."

He pulls his fingers out and pushes the tip inside. Damn him. He's playing with me right now.

Once his dick is inside me, he gives me a minute to adjust. "Move". He starts thrusting in and out.

"HOLY FUCK"

"You're so fucking tight Joe"

"OMG YES YES"

"RIGHT THERE"

It went on like that for a few minutes.

"IM GONNA COME"

"Me too baby."

He thrusts until I cum. He cums after me.

"I love you Joe"

"I love you too Caspy"

"Forever?"

"Forever"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An: this book is finally finished. I wanna thanks everyone who read, voted and commented on the chapters. Thanks for the over 30k views.
> 
> I have another Jaspar fanfic coming out soon. It's called "flower boy".
> 
> Also, do you guys want a sequel for this book?


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